Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael: Oh! So it's an aquarium. Um... that will not come into this place.

I'm an early bird and a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.

Michael

Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

Michael

I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in the head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Dwight

Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight

Jim: I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim: Oh my God. Phyllis coming alive! I like it.

Jim: Phyllis by a nose! Gold medal in Flernuntin.
Pam: Flonkerton.
Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.

A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn't hear the other dead people.

Dwight

Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's the perfect situation for me. Although the two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one... and it's under the porch.

Dwight
Displaying all 9 quotes