The Office

The Office Season 5 Quotes (Page 16)

Season 5 Episode 18: "Blood Drive"

Michael: These people need love and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.
Dwight: A net? a giant net?
Michael: No. Not a giant net.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kevin: My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!" and she said that we're done.
Michael: You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this.
Dwight: You're right. OK everyone, back to work.
 • Rating: Unrated

Oscar: [re: Andy] He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kevin: A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City."
Michael: Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!
Angela: My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me.
Oscar: Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here.
Angela: No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David.
Oscar: Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?
Angela: I guess I have. Huh.
Michael: Alright who's next? Where's Andy?
Oscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.
 • Rating: Unrated

Oscar: Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?
Angela: Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but...
Oscar: I was stupid, I told him.
Kevin: Was he in to you in like a gay way?
Michael: Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story.
Oscar: He told me he wasn't gay
Michael: Really sad.
Oscar: I'm not done yet.
Michael: Oh my God.
 • Rating: Unrated

Pam: Jim uses a 6 pound ball.
Jim: That is a lie, that is a lie.
Pam: Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.
Jim: But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit.
Pam: No, you just have little dainty fingers.
Bob: Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry.
Jim: Nobody asked, Bob!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bob: Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so]
Jim: No way, a 280?
Pam: Wow, that's impressive.
Phyllis: Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.
Jim: Yikes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?
Kelly: Well, his heart was in the right place.
Michael: Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar.
Oscar: I don't think so.
Michael: Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest.
Oscar: I can't.
Michael: If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?
 • Rating: Unrated

Phyllis: It is so nice to go out with another couple.
Pam: Anything to get out of that office.
Phyllis: I know.
Bob: I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass.
Phyllis: He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy.
Jim: Yeah, I understood.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Yick.
Blood Girl: What?
Michael: I looked at the bag.
Blood Girl: Ew.
Michael: I looked straight at the bag.
Blood Girl: That's not good.
Michael: Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?
Blood Girl: Well, ok... bags! Alright, that was bad.
Michael: That was mean.
Blood Girl: Um, a hat.
Michael: A hat.
Blood Girl: A hat with no blood in it?
Michael: That is full of soup.
Blood Girl: You're cute.
Michael: What?
 • Rating: Unrated

Phyllis: Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of Bob.
Pam: What do you think?
Jim: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.
Pam: We're in.
 • Rating: Unrated

Blood Drive Worker: Just relax.
Michael: Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juice box. Hawaiian blood punch.
Blood Girl: Oh, that's gross.
Michael: Type O-Ocean Spray.
Blood Girl: God, stop. Stop it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Yeah, can I point something out to you?
Blood Girl: Sure.
Michael: You're actually talking a lot.
Blood Girl: Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.
Michael: Okay, here we go.
Blood Drive Worker: Alright, here we go.
Michael: Oh, God.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that -
Blood Drive Worker: You're gonna need to lie down right over here.
Michael: Okay. Hello.
Blood Girl: Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry.
Michael: Oh, OK.
Blood Girl: Whew, I'm really nervous.
Michael: Yeah, me too.
Blood Girl: Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up.
Michael: Oh, well, that's fine.
Blood Girl: Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jim: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest-
Jim: We do.
Michael: - that none of us can be a part of-
Pam: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael: - then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim: That sounds fun.
Michael: So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight: Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Pam, really, they're back?
Pam: I can't see them when they're on the floor
Jim: They're for her to look at, Michael.
Michael: Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Jim: Yes, let's have a word.
Michael: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry.
Michael: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim: I understand that.
Dwight: So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.
 • Rating: Unrated

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