Lisa: This award is the biggest crock I ever saw.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual...stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough...

Bart: Unckie Herb, what advice would you give to a young boy who would most likely become a bum like yourself?
Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

Doctor: This can't be right; this man has 104% body fat! Hey, no eating in the tank!
Homer: Go to hell!

Homer: All right, Herb. I'll give you the money, but first you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb: Nope.
Homer: All right, then just give me the drinking bird.

Homer: I miss my couch.
Joe Frazier: I know how you feel, you lost the couch, I lost the heavyweight championship.
Homer: PfftHeavyweight Championship, there's like, three of those!

This radio controlled plane gives your baby the chance to fly, just like my son here, he can execute the barrel roll, loopy loop, and bring it in for the perfect landing *smash*. Oh dear... my wife is going to kill me.

Professor Frink

Lisa: Why didn't you write Unckie Herb?
Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you what was I suppose to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop?"

Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I tried, but I can't.

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... but those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.

Homer

Homer: Give me full power.
Salesman: But, sir?
Homer: Damn it! I said full power!

Herb: Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime! How do I thank you?
Woman: Please don't hurt me.
Herb: Consider it done.

The Simpsons Season 3 Quotes

Krusty: Ooh! Sex Chat! (dials)
Voice: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now, let's join the party!
Krusty: Hello?
Man 1: Hello?
Man 2: Hello?
Apu: Are there any women here?
Krusty: Hello!?
Apu: Are you a beautiful woman?
Krusty: Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
Apu: This is not as hot a party as I anticipated.

(After Homer rejects other names for boys based on rhyming nicknames)
Marge: What about Bart?
Homer: Let's see. Bart, dart, cart, e-art. Nope can't see any problems with that.
(Missing fart due to only 4 fingers)