Homer: All right, Herb. I'll give you the money, but first you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb: Nope.
Homer: All right, then just give me the drinking bird.

Doctor: This can't be right; this man has 104% body fat! Hey, no eating in the tank!
Homer: Go to hell!

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual...stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough...

Homer: I miss my couch.
Joe Frazier: I know how you feel, you lost the couch, I lost the heavyweight championship.
Homer: PfftHeavyweight Championship, there's like, three of those!

Bart: Unckie Herb, what advice would you give to a young boy who would most likely become a bum like yourself?
Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

Lisa: This award is the biggest crock I ever saw.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Blablueeeh. (with the machine Herb invented) I have soiled myselfhow embarrassing.

Maggie

Herb: Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime! How do I thank you?
Woman: Please don't hurt me.
Herb: Consider it done.

I used to be rich. I owned Mickey Mouse massage parlors and those Disney sleaze balls shut me down. I said "Look, I'll change the logo, put Mickey's pants back on." Some guys you just can't reason with.

Hobo

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... but those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.

Homer

Lisa: Why didn't you write Unckie Herb?
Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you what was I suppose to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow thanks to your pop?"

Homer: Give me full power.
Salesman: But, sir?
Homer: Damn it! I said full power!

The Simpsons Season 3 Quotes

Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. (Bart stares at her) Bart! I am not going to learn ancient Hebrew!

Lisa

Marge: It's your father, he's missing.
Bart: Dad's missing? Get outta here!
Marge: He's been gone for two days!
Lisa: What do you know, she's right!