The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 3 Quotes
Homer: (On phone with Bart) Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some beer on ice--
Michael: Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
Homer: Are you sure you're here voluntarily?
Joe's crematorium...you kill 'em, we grill 'em.
</i> Bart
Psychiatrist: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
Psychiatrist: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!
Leon: Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from the Jacksons.
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
(Bart fills out Homer's psychiatric form for him.)
Bart: Dad, do you hear voices?
Homer: (Annoyed) Yes, I hear voices, although I'm trying to watch TV.
Bart: (Checks "yes") Check. Are you quick to anger?
Homer: (Upset) Bart! Shut up, or I will shut you up.
Bart: (Checks "yes") Check. Do you wet your pants? Hmm, well I guess if that was an occasional accident.
(Starts checking "yes" to every question.)
(Mr. Burns, Smithers, Dr. Marvin Monroe and other doctors review Homer's test shaking their heads in disbelief making tsk-tsk noises.)
Homer: So did I pass doc?
Mr. Burns: N-no.
(Doctors grab Homer and escort him out. Homer gasps and screeches.)
Smithers: Careful men. He wets his pants.
Homer: Honey, could you do me a favor and fill out this form?
Marge: Homer this is an intimate phsychological profile, I can't fill this out for you!
Homer: Alright. Alright. I'll get Lisa to do it!
Homer: Lisa you like homework, could you fill out this form for me?
Lisa: Well, alright. If you listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'oh! Okay.
Lisa: I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died. Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied! Why, oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? (Pause) I had a hamster named Snuffy, he died--
Homer: No deal!
Michael Jackson (Leon): I can't believe you never heard of me, I'm a very popular entertainer!
Homer: Oh of course I've heard of you, you'd have to be living under a rock not to know... what did you say your name was?
Michael Jackson (Leon): You seem like a nice guy, why did they put you in here?
Homer: Cuz I wore a pink shirt?
Michael Jackson (Leon): I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed.
Homer: What did you wear?
Michael Jackson (Leon): One white glove, covered with Rhinestones.
Homer: (rubs finger up and down his lips making a 'bibbity bobbity sound)
Homer: (talking in sleep) Cakes, football, boobies.
Michael Jackson (Leon): Bubbles, it's gonna be a long night.
Bart: Lisa, her teeth are big and green, Lisa, she smells like gasoline, Lisa, da-da-da disa, she is my sister, her birthday, I missed-ah!
Michael Jackson (Leon): Uh, no.
