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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual.
Charlie: That's just a gay man that can't get laid.

Girl in Bar: Thank you.
Charlie: For what?
Girl in Bar: I came in here tonight because I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend, but after listening to you, I realize I was unfair to him. There is something below pig.
Charlie: Well, glad I could help.

Charlie: Courtney went home. We broke up.
Alan: Oh, and you're trying to fill the void and mend a broken heart at DanishMunchers.com.

Dr. Freeman: ... non-familial relationships.
Charlie: Why didn't you just say friends?
Dr. Freeman: I got the diplomas, Charlie, I like to use them.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

Dr. Freeman: Are you drinking?
Charlie: Just the occasional glass with dinner.
Dr. Freeman: Uh huh. And how many dinners have you had today?
Charlie: Three, so far.

Charlie: I think I need to go see my shrink.
Alan: Work out some issues?
Charlie: Renew my prescriptions.
Alan: Much more in character.

Charlie: Did you have sex in my bed?
Alan: Um, no. Actually, the romance of the night pretty much evaporated when you curled up at our feet like a drunken Labrador.

Charlie: Why did I wake up in your bed?
Alan: You passed out there.
Charlie: Did we break any biblical laws?

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