Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual.
Charlie: That's just a gay man that can't get laid.

Girl in Bar: Thank you.
Charlie: For what?
Girl in Bar: I came in here tonight because I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend, but after listening to you, I realize I was unfair to him. There is something below pig.
Charlie: Well, glad I could help.

Charlie: Courtney went home. We broke up.
Alan: Oh, and you're trying to fill the void and mend a broken heart at DanishMunchers.com.

Dr. Freeman: ... non-familial relationships.
Charlie: Why didn't you just say friends?
Dr. Freeman: I got the diplomas, Charlie, I like to use them.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

Dr. Freeman: Are you drinking?
Charlie: Just the occasional glass with dinner.
Dr. Freeman: Uh huh. And how many dinners have you had today?
Charlie: Three, so far.

Charlie: I think I need to go see my shrink.
Alan: Work out some issues?
Charlie: Renew my prescriptions.
Alan: Much more in character.

Charlie: Did you have sex in my bed?
Alan: Um, no. Actually, the romance of the night pretty much evaporated when you curled up at our feet like a drunken Labrador.

Charlie: Why did I wake up in your bed?
Alan: You passed out there.
Charlie: Did we break any biblical laws?

He's an alcoholic with a lot of money. There's nothing you can do about people like that. The best you can do is be nice to them so you can inherit their house when they crap out their liver.

Charlie

Eldridge: It was nice of him to bring beer.
Jake: He's a crazy bastard, but he's got good manners.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 14 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Episode 12 Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: I was fantasizing about other women.
Courtney: That doesn't necessarily mean it's over.
Charlie: I pretended you were the big blue chick from Avatar.
Courtney: It's over.