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Two-and-a-half-men

When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays the stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them.

Jake [reading his paper]

Did my son... polish your trophy wife?

Evelyn [to Norman]

Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.

Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do

My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie

Jake [reading his paper]
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