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Charlie: What about your back pain?
Chelsea: I'll live with it.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Chelsea: I live with you, don't I?

I want to see you happy, and not dressed like an unemployed lesbian

Evelyn [to Alan]

Breakfast of champions, Type 2 diabetes division

Alan [after pouring M&M's into Jake's brown bag]

I love my new silk pajamas mom, they're like wearing a baby seal


Chelsea: They're not our boobs, they're my breasts
Charlie: If you were to dust them for prints right now, who would be suspect number one?

You suggested Charlie's fiancee get small breasts? Why not reinstate prohibition while you're at it?

Evelyn [to Alan]

Let's make one thing clear, the only acceptable boob reduction in this house is you moving out

Charlie [to Alan]

Charlie: I'll tell you what helps pain, pain pills. In fact, I saw a guy on the news with a nail in his head and thanks to pain pills he was laughing
Alan: What about addiction?
Charlie: That's the least of his problem, he has a nail in his head!

Chelsea: You're staring at them, Alan
Alan: It's okay, I'm almost a doctor

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