Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men "My Son's Enormous Head" Quotes

Berta: Charlie doesn't go near sick women, I mean physically sick. Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fair and a travel mug
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: I love you
Charlie: Great
Chelsea: Aren't you gonna say it back?
Charlie: I'm gonna go pan for cat turds. If that doesn't say "I love you," nothing does
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about sick Chelsea]: I should have known, the second you give them a ring, they fall out of warranty
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: As soon as I get my license I'm so out of here
Alan: Sure, and you can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree
Jake: At least I have a girlfriend
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: What's the problem?
Jake: She's nine
Alan: Nine? Where would you meet a nine year old girl?
Jake: We're in the same math class
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no, but she does help me with my homework
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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