Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Charlie: Hey, Jake, have you ever eaten snails?
Jake: Yeah, sure.
Charlie: I mean in a restaurant.
Jake: Uh, no.

Jake: Dad, if Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts would that make you guys even?
Alan: No.
Jake [to Charlie]: Boy, he's really mad at you

Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were eight?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, okay. Let's say that it was water, and that I poured it

Charlie [locked in the bathroom]: There is no bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan: Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!
Charlie: What do you know, there is a bad Alan

Alan: Did you see me take the Silly Putty?
Charlie: Oh, no, no, I was nowhere near the Silly Putty. I think I was in the doll section, taking a peek under Barbie's dress. What a gyp that was!

Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again didn't you?
Jake: It's 1234. Even a monkey could crack that

Alan: Tell Jake what you told me last night.
Charlie: Oh, okay, sure. Jake, your father didn't steal the Silly Putty, I did.
Jake: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket, so if anything happened, he'd be the one to get in trouble.
Alan: What do you think now, Jake?
Jake: I think Uncle Charlie's a genius

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