Two and a Half Men

Mondays 9:00 PM on CBS

Two and a Half Men "Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous" Quotes

Charlie: What's going on?
Alan: Oh, I just have a friend over for my single-parent support group.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, unattached moms. I gotta check out that group.
Alan: You don't have a kid.
Charlie: Are they really strict about that?
• Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Berta. How long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working"
• Rating: Unrated

Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better
• Rating: Unrated

Dr. Freeman: So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?
Charlie: Why does something have to be up? Can't I just drop by and say hello?
Dr. Freeman: For three hundred and fifty dollars an hour you can say anything you want
• Rating: Unrated

Alan: Charlie.
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: I think I might be gay.
Charlie: What did you do, Alan?
Alan: Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together.
Charlie: Which piece did you put where, Alan?
• Rating: Unrated

Greg [after kissing Alan]: Trust me, you're not gay.
Alan: Okay.
Greg: You seem disappointed.
Alan: I just...I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down.
Greg: Alan, it's okay to be straight
• Rating: Unrated

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support group cause you're a whiny little wuss
• Rating: Unrated

Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0