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Alan: Hey, what's that splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks! I'd like a Double D Cup Latte, please...

Charlie: So what do you think?
Berta: About what?
Charlie: Lisa, me, the kid.
Berta: Ok, let's see now... This is the same women you've broken up and gotten back together with for years, right?
Charlie: Right.
Berta: And she turned you down in order to marry somebody else?
Charlie: Yes.
Berta: And then the marriage fell apart and now she got his baby?
Charlie: Ya.
Berta: Sounds perfect. Go for it!

Charlie: You look good.
Lisa: You, too. Although if you're taking votes, I prefer the brown sock to the beige one.
Charlie: Oh, I had to kind of dress in a hurry this morning.
Lisa: Really? Did somebody's husband come home early?
Charlie: Why do you always assume the worst? Can't I just be hung over?

Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Alan: Nothing.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks

Lisa [to her baby]: Oh, what a hungry little girl!
Charlie: Of course she's hungry. She must have dropped half her body weight in that last diaper!

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner tonight?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. So, how about dinner tonight?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: So what? I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

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