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You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them

Berta [to Alan]

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me

Alan: I'm a victim here.
Berta: Oh, yeah, you've got victim written all over you.
Alan: But does my brother sympathize?
Berta: Do Catholic priests make good babysitters?

Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I...
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper

Berta: You know, you've got a great view here.
Charlie: You're just noticing?
Berta: My days here are spent looking at dirty toilets and washing horse starch you call sheets

Alan: You mind looking after Jake while I'm gone?
Charlie: If it will help you get outta here, I'd breast feed him for you

Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs

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