Popular Weeds Quotes
Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.
Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.
Silas: I love her.
Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.
Shane: Do you think I'm weird?
Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-10-year-old on earth.
Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelievable, amazing 10-year old out there?
Judah: Why would I trade now? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.
Shane Botwin: Can we go home now, please?
Nancy: It's not even halftime.
Shane: I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.
Nancy: (sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!
Celia: Well, technically, Nancy, the Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.
Conrad Shepard: You calling black people stupid?
Nancy Botwin: And lazy... and they also steal.
Heylia James: Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good.
How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?
oug Wilson
Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear.
Nancy Botwin
Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.
Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him?
Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker
Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy.
Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.
You've made your bed, now f**k in it.
Nancy Botwin
