If we've learned anything from the Full Monty, it's that in a tough economy ugly people strip for money.

Moe: You know, I think I'll volunteer, too.
Barney: Why'd you say "too"?
Moe: Well, I assume I'm not the first one.

Young Carl: I wish for world peace.
Young Barney: I wish for world war.
Young Carl: That would be cooler.

Homer: Ned, since you've let me spend time with your family, I want you to get to know my family. (they go to Moe's) Hey, everyone.
Barney: Hey.
Homer: I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend.
Moe: Hey, I don't want no one in here with their "evils of alcohol" rap.
Ned: Wait a second: you're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children.
Moe: (grabs Ned) If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch phrase.
Homer: (slips as he leans on his elbow and breaks a lamp) D'oh!
Bart: Ay, caramba!
Marge: (Grumbling) Mmmmmmmm!
Maggie: (pacifier sucking noise)
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho!
Barney: (Belches)
Nelson: HA, HAAAH!
Mr. Burns: Ex-cellent!
(Long pause, then everyone stares at Lisa)
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that?

Marge, you gotta watch out. Your little boy, Bart, could have been eaten by that pony!

</i> Barney

Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Kent Brockman: Hmph. And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.

Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. Wow, free beer!

Homer: Moe, I need your advice... See I've got this friend named Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
Guy: (Runs out of the bar, crying)
Barney: Aye! Joey Joe Joe!

I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink!

(Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio)
Homer, Apu, Skinner: (singing off-key) For all the latest medical poop,
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.
Poo poo pa-doop...
Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
(Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder)
Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!
(On the recorder)
Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches)

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!