I'll get one those jobs where you don't need to read. Like french fry maker or general.

Developer: I have twins I've never met.
Bart: When you meet them tell them your game is too easy.

Bart: To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
Martin: To be a mathlete without the 'm.'

Milhouse: I need that [cootie] shot, my dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
Bart: How is this accidentally when it's the fifth time?

Traitor. How dare you betray me on me on the planet that got me laid?

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and give you healthy items...
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

I thought teachers only went outside to smoke and cry.

Same garbage, different dumpster.

Bart: If fairytales have taught us anything, first wives are the best and second wives are terrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.

The last place anyone would expect to see a moon - the sky.

It's one of those unsolved mysteries, like how do my clothes get cleaned and get back in my dresser?

Lisa: You're gonna regret the day you were born.
Bart: I already do, it's too close to Christmas.

The Simpsons Quotes

(Bart shows the whole classroom the tape for his project called, "How Kittens Are Born: The Ugly Truth")
Bart: and here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
All: EWW!!
Bart: We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her.
All: EWWWWW!!
Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
Mrs. Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
Bart: Oh, look! This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in.
(The whole classroom screams)

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!