Chandler Bing Quotes
Alison: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted?"
Chandler: Sure. (Thinking) My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it. Quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser... big head, big head, big head!
Our trains are on the same track, okay? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same! Bitter Town! Aloneville! Hermit Junction!
Joey: When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
Chandler: (To Ross) You or me?
Ross: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?
Everyone: Yeah.
Rachel: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Rachel: Okay, you win.
Ross: You don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like, I don't believe in it, you know, it's just ... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed!
(Knocking on the door)
Chandler: Uh oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick Pheebs, jump on the ceiling!
Goodbye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie. That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.
Monica: But I'm--
Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
(Julie leaves; Ross joins the gang)
Ross: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.
Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.
Monica: You're welcome.
Phoebe: (Barking) Woof, woof.
Joey: Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
Chandler: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.
Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they want to put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through like two bottles a day now.
Chandler: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
Joey: I know, but I was the best. You know? I liked being the best. Maybe I should just get out of the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.
Chandler: Alright. Say you do that. Sooner or later, somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. Then where you gonna run?
Joey Yeah, guess you're right.
Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie!
Joey: I'm gonna do it!
Chandler: All right! Now, go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.
Carol: You think my breast milk's gross?
Susan: Oh, this should be fun.
Ross: No no, Carol... it's just that I don't think breast milk is for adults.
Chandler: Although, the packaging does appeal to adults and kids alike.
Chandler: Carol, I was just wondering if... Joey could ask you questions about breastfeeding?
Carol: Sure.
Joey: Uh, does it hurt?
Carol: Well, it did at first but not anymore.
Joey: Oh. Chandler?
Chandler: So uh, how often can you do it?
Carol: As much as he needs.
Joey: Oh okay, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
Rachel: (Panting) Ross... not alone. Julie... arm around her... Cramp... Cramp!
Chandler: Okay, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick get the verbs.
Rachel: You... you you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slow pokes!
Ross: That's okay, Rach. We got the bags.
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way, I've been going to the guy for twelve years.
Chandler: Oh come on, he said he was going to do my inseem, then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite...
Ross: What? (Chandler closes his eyes)
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side then they move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is... in prison!
