Ed Quotes
Janitor: Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?
J.D.: No, why?
Janitor: Where're you coming from?
Ted: Uhhh...
Over the Janitor's shoulder, J.D. shakes his head
Ted: ...No!
Hector(Translated from Spanish): I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.
Carla(Translated from Spanish): Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.
Ted: I forget. Is that "kill him" or "screw him"?
Carla/Hector: "Screw him."
Ted: Awwww.
Ted: Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!
Laverne: Shut up, bozo.
Ted: One more person. She didn't know the rules.
Dr. Kelso: That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Ted: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Dr. Kelso: Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening.
Ted: If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building!
Janitor: I'm not cleaning you up.
Ted: Is this heaven?
Janitor: It's garbage.
Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
Ted: Wha?
Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, Ted. I meant to tell you eight months ago, all those days of vacation you saved up expire riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...now!
Ted: But sir! I was going to visit The Alamo with the guys from my public sp-speaking class!
Dr. Cox: (Honestly sincere) Really Ted, I'm sorry about the mother situation.
Ted: She has cold feet!
Dr. Cox: Oh don't be that guy!
Ted: What guy?
(Dr. Cox leaves)
What guy?!
Carla: Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
Maggie: Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through sixty pages so quickly?
Ted: Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not really know what you're doing.
Maggie: Stop it, Ted. You're a great lawyer.
Ted: Ohh, I love her.
Dr. Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to "crash for a while." Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice...I don't even know anymore.
Ted: Same thing happened to me. After my divorce, I told Mariana I was going to crash at her place for a few weeks, and we've been sharing a bed for eight years.
J.D.: Isn't Mariana your mother?
Ted: Hey, who are we talking about here, you or me?
Ted is about to jump off the roof
Ted: Not today! Life's too good!
Dr. Kelso: Chicken.
