Edie Britt Quotes
(To Susan about Zach) So what's going to happen to little creepy when he gets here?
Edie: I don't think Mike would do that to his own son.
Susan: You know?
Edie: That Mike's Zach's real father? Yes. Julie told Karl, Karl told me and I sent out a few e-mails.
Susan: Well, thanks for your discretion.
Edie: Boy. You would do anything to get Mike Delfino to love you. So what's gonna happen to little creepy when he gets here? Are you gonna be tucking him in at night? Making him breakfast in the morning? Careful to bob and weave as he tries to blow your head off?
Susan: You know, Edie, could you just back off? I mean the truth is we're probably never gonna find Zach, anyway. It's a needle in a haystack.
Edie: Oh, I see, and then you'll still come off as little Miss Perfect self-sacrificing girlfriend. Putting his needs ahead of yours. Oh, why you conniving little shrew. I don't know why we're not closer.
Susan: Well, I don't mean to be technical here, but this show, I mean, it really is supposed to be a family thing, and I hate to point out you're not family.
Edie: No, but I have talent, and to most audiences, talent trumps family.
Edie: You don't have the guts.
Susan: In five seconds, I'm gonna punch it.
Edie: (holds up a set of keys) Yeah? I'll key your car!
Susan: Not if you're sucking my exhaust, you won't.
Edie: Take back what you said!
Susan: No, I won't!
Edie: Admit it, you'd do anything to destroy my happiness!
Susan: Edie, for God's sake. Why would I care if you end up with a man I despise?
Edie: 'Cause you and Mike are finished. Yeah, word's out. And now that you can't be happy, you don't want anyone else to be, period.
Edie: Karl said that you know all about our dirty little secret.
Susan: Yes, yes, I do.
Edie: Well, I feel awful. I should have told you that I was doing your ex. Well, it would've been the classy thing to do.
Susan: Well, etiquette is a lost art for a lot of people.
Edie: Oh, you've gotta believe me, I never, ever thought anything would happen with us. But on our first date, Karl took me to a Mexican restaurant. You know what I get like when I drink tequila. A couple of shooters and my bra unhooks itself.
Susan: Circumstances beyond your control. I get it. So if you'll excuse me.
Edie: Hey. Hey, hey. I am offering you an opportunity here. I mean, go ahead, vent. Let me have it. Come on, tell me what a bitch I am. Yeah, for snacking on your leftovers. I deserve it. Come on, bring it on.
Susan: Honestly, Edie, I don't mind. You can skate off into the sunset with Karl. Be my guest.
Edie: Well, that's good to know. You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but, while we were in my Jacuzzi last night, Karl said it was the best sex he's ever had, bar none.
Susan: Actually, I'm glad that you shared that, because here's a tidbit for you. Karl said he's still in love with me.
Susan: Edie, what are you doing?
Edie: You are a lying liar.
Susan: We're in the middle of the street. Would you get out of here?
Edie: Karl never said that!
Susan: Okay, Karl asked me to get back together the day after Julie's birthday. I said no, which I'm guessing is the reason for the now legendary tequila bra-popping incident. Please let go.
Edie: Oh, no. We're not finished here.
Susan: Well, yes, we are. I'm gonna go.
Cyrus: Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today.
Edie: Oh, Cyrus, you're so sweet.
Cyrus: So anyhow, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime.
Edie: Oh honey... you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport
Edie: You said you two were finished. You thought he was a murderer.
Susan: And that was your cue to come over and flirt?! You wasted your time... and your doughnuts.
Edie: Not if you choke on them
You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican
Edie: When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in, I make her my best friend.
Lynette: I thought you said you didn't have any female friends.
Edie: I don't. And I've never felt threatened by a woman either. But the point is, keep your friends close...
Lynette: ...Keep your enemies closer
Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito
Edie [to Bill]: Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik.
Susan: You tracked us down.
Edie: Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan.
Susan: No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
Edie: I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
Bill: Am I in the middle of something here?
Edie: Not anymore. You... (to Susan) ...I will hate forever. And you... (to Bill) ...are fired.
Susan: Edie!
Bill: You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?
Edie: Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it
