South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
(When Cartman jumps out of the fat lady's pants)
Cartman: Man, it smells down there!
Terrance: Jesus Christ, that was fast! Well what should we name it? How about Jerry?
(Stan, Kyle, and Kenny jump out of her pants as well)
Fat lady: What the hell!?!
Terrance: Oh wow! We had quadruplets!
Dorky kid in line: Are you guys official presidents too?
Cartman: Don't talk to us kid.
Aw dude! Gay!
</i> Cartman
Oh boy Kyle, you just made a huge withdraw at the First Bank of Lies.
Where the hell's Phillip?
I made you eat your parents! I made you eat your parents!
(singing) Nyahnyahnyahnyahnyahnyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyahnyahnyah! Nyahnyahnyahnyahnyahnyah!
Cartman: (eating chili) Hey, this is great!
Scott: Eh, it's a special recipe.
Cartman: Yeah, this is really good, Scott!
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you
Cartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?
Scott: (surprised) W-What??
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's.
(Chef looks surprised at what Cartman says.)
Cartman: It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a drunken redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents.
(In the flashback, Scott's parents get shot at.)
Mr. Denkins: (after flashback) Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I have my rights.
Scott: My mom and dad are dead??
Cartman: (continues) I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady; and of course, to steal the bodies. After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you my chili. Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? I call it "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott: Oh, my god! (pulls out a finger from the chili) OH, MY GOD!!! (throws up violently)
Movie Theater Guy: That'll be six dollars.
Cartman: Okay and how much is that in pubes?
Cartman: Excuse me sir, could you please point me in the direction of the pube fair?
Man: The pube fair? There's no such thing, you little smart ass.
They may take our pride, but THEY MAY NEVER TAKE MY GODDAMN $16.12!!!
Cartman: Don't be jealous guys! This doesn't mean we can't still hang out. It just means I've matured faster than you. You'll get your pubes guys, someday.
Kyle: Cartman you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself!
Cartman: What?!
