South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Cartman: Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money in our bake sale.
Stan: Cartman, don't say "use him," you big silly goose.
Randy: (to Stan) What did you say?!
Stan: I just called Cartman a name. He's a, he's a silly goose.
Randy: YOU DO NOT SAY "BIG SILLY GOOSE!" You call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to --
Randy: STANLEY, YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND AN ASSHOLE THIS INSTANT!
Stan: (to Cartman) Asshole.
Randy: That's better!
Cartman: (quietly) Don't call me an asshole, you son of a bitch.
Mr. Grazier: Now, the first activity for this evening will be... naked pictures. I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked, in case we need them, for later.
Scouts: Aw.
Mr. Grazier: Aw, what is this? If there's one thing I hate, it's a whining platoon! "We don't want to do pushups! We don't want to get up early! We don't want to have you take naked pictures of us!"
Cartman: (to Kenny) Man, this guy sucks.
Mr. Grazier: Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!
Cartman [as Mitch Connor]: We got a black president but whitey still doesn't trust me to use his phone.
Dr. Mephisto: Oh, I'm sorry you're right, we do have a black President. Come in.
This is the way the world works, if you want want to fine some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.
Stan: Are you doing that stupid Facebook stuff again?
Cartman: Stupid Facebook stuff...
Stan: Why are you guys in here wasting your time? We're supposed out playing video games.
Does a bear crap in the woods and does the Pope crap on the dreams of 200 deaf boys?
Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?
You cutting the Colonel's gravy with Boston Market to try and save yourself some %@#%ing money!?
Do I want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?
Cartman: You were sleep walking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker in a moose suit and you left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Butters: What? Oh no.
Cartman: You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you.
Butters: I got her killed too? Owell, at least she was ugly.
Are you telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? Can we read it right now?
Cartman [about Catcher in the Rye]
Kyle: Wow, I didn't know Golf games were this cool.
Cartman: Yeah dude, EA Sports outdid themselves this time.
