South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.
Stan: (imitating Mr. Mackey) We're sorry, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle: We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, that's that.
Cartman: Mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.
Kyle: (to Chef) Hey, are you come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is?? They're going to circumcise him!
Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: (to himself) Oh, boy. Here we go again (to the boys) Children, uh What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat ****!
Cartman: (to Kyle) Screw you! (to Chef) It's ham, isn't it?
Chef: No no no, children. I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle: Uh, your heart?
Stan: Your eyes!
(Chef puts his hand on his head.)
Kenny: (muffled) I know! Your penis!
Chef: That's right!
Cartman: Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman!
Chef: A fireman??
Cartman: That's the proper way to say it, or else you'll get a spanking!
Chef: (gets into car) Damn it, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all of this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once!
Kyle: Hey, wait!
(Chef drives off.)
Stan: (to Kenny) Dude, something tells me this "bris" thing isn't good!
Cartman: Dude, you don't just chop off somebody's fireman!
Kyle: I won't believe it, I won't.
Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's who you care about. That's why I feel you guys are more then just my friends; You're my family.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Except for Cartman.
Stan: Naturally.
Cartman: Well screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your penis choppin' family anyway!
Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Kyle: How's it going?
Chef: Bad
Kyle: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan: We know, we know, that's what everybody says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle: No.
Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie; and hippies suck!
Stan: (about Kyle telling his parents) Dude, you shouldn't have told them that; now they're gonna go find him and cut off his penis!
Cartman: Fireman.
Kyle: Ah, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility!
(Kenny falls in an empty grave; the gravestone breaks in half and falls on him, killing him as well.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards.
Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: (slower) Sir, step out of the car, please.
Randy: (steps out) Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
Mr. McCormick: We're fine, officer.
Cartman: Anduuh who's, who's in here with you?
Mr. McCormick: Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids-
Kenny: (muffled) Hi, Cartman.
Mr. McCormick: -and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob who I met last year.
Cartman: (to the camera) Poor people tend to live in clusters.
Mr. McCormick: What? What did you say?
Cartman: Nothing- now, sir, is there some kind of uh-
Mrs. McCormick: I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a s(beep)t! He can't even hold a f(beep)kin' job!
Mr. McCormick: Shut up, bitch!
Cartman: Okay okay, let's try to watch the language: there's children present heuh.
Mrs. McCormick: He is a lazy-ass motherf(beep)ker!
Mr. McCormick: Look what she did to my f(beep)kin' eye.
Mrs. McCormick: I'll do it again!!
(Mrs. McCormick kicks him in the ass and continues hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight)
Kevin: Eh-Mom hit Dad again!
(Kenny and Kevin then continue laughing at them)
Cartman: Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoritah!
(Cartman jumps up and knocks Mrs. McCormick down, then Mr. McCormick. He then concentrates on Mr. McCormick)
Kenny: (muffled) God-dammit, Cartman!
Mr. McCormick: Aagh!
Do you know what the speed limit is hee-yah?
Cartman: HA! (whacks the Bookmobile driver)
Bookmobile driver: Ow, that hurt!
Stan: Whoa dude! Cartman!
Officer Barbrady: No, that is not how you uphold the law!
Cartman: But he is not listening to my authoritah!
Officer Barbrady: Oh, you're doing it all wrong my little friend. You do it like this. (whacks the bookmobile driver in the head) You gotta get them in the head; they go down quicker.
