South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Damien: I'm sorry that I ruined your playground, and turned your friend in to a duck-billed platypuss. I didn't have a choice! I was doing my father's bidding.
Cartman: (Farts) Oh, Sorry, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!
Stan: Eww, new kid, you smell like a fart.
Kyle: Yeah, now we're gonna call you fart boy from now on.
(Damien goes over to Pip)
Stan: Goodbye, fart boy.
Kyle: See ya.
Pip: Well, how'd it go?
Damien: Those boys farted on me, and called me---
Pip: Fart boy? Oh good! Perhaps they wont call me that anymore!
Stan: Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Megaman."
Kyle: Yeah, mine says "Red Megaman."
Cartman: Right, that's what your supposed to get me for my birthday.
Stan: DUDE!?!?! You're not supposed to tell people what to give you for your birthday!
Kyle: Yeah, that's weak.
Cartman: Look it's very simple guys. "Green Megaman" goes with "Red Megaman" and "Yellow Megaman" to make the "Ultra Mega Megaman." You have to have all 3 or it doesn't work, see?
Stan: Up yours Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Cartman: Ohh!!! so maybe you don't want to have any of my moms Cake, Pie, and Ice cream then.
Stan: Oh "Gre..Green Megaman" it is.
Cartman: Now as you can see Kenny, you are to get me "Yellow Megaman," that's because the "Yellow Megaman" is the cheapest one and I know how poor your family is.
(Damien walks to table)
Stan: Hey!?!?! what do you think you're doing new kid?
Cartman: Yeah, you can't sit with us weirdo.
Damien: Infidel's!!!! I will turn you all into "Beasts of Burden"!
Kyle: You can't sit with us new kid, go find another table!
(Damien goes and sits with Pip)
Cartman: (sighs) Anyway Kenny, "Yellow Megaman" is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments in a year, or two.
(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman)
Cartman: AYYY!!!!
Cartman: And Kyle got me red Mega...(opens gift) Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants? (angrily) ANTS IN THE PANTS!?
Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun!
Cartman: You son of a bitch! (leaps on Kyle) You were supposed to get me the Red Megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! (Kyle screams) That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home!
Wendy, you are to get me the Yellow Mega Man. Which was supposed to be a gift given by Kenny, but Kenny has been turned into a duckbill platypus.
Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.
Cartman: Oh, really?! Gosh! Where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes, that's right! I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!
Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday present?
Kyle: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus: No way dude!
Chef: I-I-I cant! I can't hit Jesus Christ! My mother will never speak to me again!
Stan: But you're his fighting partner Chef!
Kyle: Yeah! You have to hit him!
Jesus: Satan must be defeated Chef! Please help me train.
Chef: Ok, but I'm just gonna tap you alright?
Jesus: Give it your best shot! (Chef punches Jesus on the face) Oh!
Chef: Oh god in heaven! What have I done?
Jesus: Anybody got the number of that truck?
Cartman: Do-do-do-do-do-do, here you go Kyle,Cartman hands Kyle an envelope. and here's yours Stan,Cartman hands Stan an envelope.
Kyle: What is this Cartman?
Cartman: There invitations to my birthday party this weekend!
Stan: Oh sweet! Your mom is giving you a big party again this year?
Cartman: That's right! Music plays because it's my birthday! B-b-b-b-birthday!Music ends
Kyle: Kick ass dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties EVER!
Cartman: That's right!
Stan: Yeah, if my mom can cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass too!
Cartman: That's righ- HEY!!!
Mr. Garrison: Children, children! Today is a very special day.
Cartman: No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.
Mr. Garrison: I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric!
Kyle: You'll be sorry when you see me riding on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hanky!
Cartman: You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh, 'cause you're a Jew, KYLE!
Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.
Cartman: How do you know?
Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman: Yeah, well I sneaked around my mum's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.
Chef: Say, where's Kyle?
Stan: We committed him?
Chef: Why?
Cartman: Cause he kept seeing this brown piece of Christmas Poo everywhere that he went.
Chef: Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey, right?
Stan: Uh oh.
Alright, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line.
