I have an angry baby inside of me making me do bad things!

I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I know how to keep my kid safe.

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

Jay: Tired of walking in those heels?
Gloria: No, tired of having a hot wife?

Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cam: It's a child safety tether.

We wouldn't be in the air, we'd be in rock n roll heaven!

Haley: He's gonna ruin my party!
Gloria: Two birds, one bullet.

Jay: I don't know what they do in Columbia.
Gloria: No one does and don't ask.

I don't wanna be around when something that tight unravels.

You dated a Dottie after Dede?

Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use it to get Manny a friend?

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.