J.D. Quotes
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D. Right, and where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud.
J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.
J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.
Carla: J.D., I have to admit this to somebody: I don't like kids!
J.D.: What are you talking about? You're the most maternal person I know.
Carla: Well, I'm a nurse, J.D. I'm trained to fake it!
Janitor: Watch it - wet paint. Kelso's startin' a new line system to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smoker's lounge; blue, the I.C.U.; yellow to all the exits.
J.D.: What's red for?
Janitor: Sneaker painting.
(Elliot holds her hand up and J.D. runs in to high five)
J.D.: Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five that? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high fiving. I gotta stop doing that!
J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?
Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin?
J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.
Elliot: Did you...eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No!
J.D.'s Narration: I shmeared it on a bagel.
Elliot: J.D.! There is no way that I'm gonna be able to pull this off! In a few hours, I'm going to have a room full of specialists firing questions at me! I'm gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds!
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, you know he's an athlete of some kind. Just say something general!
J.D.: Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays...
Ted: My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now.
J.D.: Ted, I'm a little busy, ok? (Shows his hands which is filled with blood) Toodles.
Dr. Cox: Dorothy, you're going home, are ya?
J.D.: Yep!
J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid... you know... the place where... you know, there's clouds... and the... Space Needle... Seattle.
Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.
Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?
J.D.: Jambalaya!
Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
J.D.'s narration: Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jumbalaya.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house...
J.D.'s narration: Oh my god, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!
J.D.: You're 78, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?
J.D.: Jumbalaya.
