J.D. Quotes
Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times - I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unprofessional.
J.D.: Look, Mrs. Wilk, you have something called systemic amyloidosis. Now, it's in your liver now, but it'll eventually shut down all your organs. There's a treatment, but it's very invasive, and at best it'll just give you a little more time.
Mrs. Wilk: Well, I've had a great life, so-
J.D.: Say no more. I'm gonna take amazing care of you.
Mrs. Wilk: Okay.
J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid... you know... the place where... you know, there's clouds... and the... Space Needle... Seattle.
Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.
Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?
J.D.: Jambalaya!
Elliot: We should have just believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty-
J.D.: Who?
Dr. Kelso: But lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
J.D.: Okay...
J.D.: The thing is guys, it doesn't matter if he is a homeless guy or some senile, old rascist.
Patient: Which people do I hate again?
J.D.: Immigrants, Mr. Bursick, you hate all Immigrants.
Patient: And why do I hate th...
J.D.: I don't have time...Mr. Bursick!
Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.
J.D.: She said "I've led a great life." And every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die."
J.D.: Do you have any family, Mrs. Wilk?
Mrs. Wilk: No. I was married twice. Divorced one, the other one died. Wrong one died.
J.D.: Ohh, right - your imaginary warning light. Don't be mad, Perry - this day was bound to come. See, I've studied you. I've taken your best qualities and my best qualities and I've combined them into something even better. Much the way that iced tea and lemonade were joined to become an "Arnold Palmer." Incidentally, has anyone ever done less to become famous? I mean, "Yay for me - I mixed two drinks together!"
Dr. Cox: Arnold Palmer is a golfer.
J.D.: I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry. The man's a drink mogul.
Dr. Cox: Say, Newbie. I, uh, I gotta hand it to ya - it took the heart of a lion to apologize to Mrs. Wilk like that.
J.D.: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass to make that error to begin with.
Dr. Cox: Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just... never do it.
J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran, he deserves as much.
J.D.: Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what're you gonna do?
(Cox starts flashing his "warning light.")
J.D.: Oh, come on! You've gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right?
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.
