J.D. Quotes
J.D.: If you're wondering what a "thank you for being my doctor" card from Mrs. Wilk looks like, it look a little something like this.
Shows Dr. Cox a card
Dr. Cox: "Happy anniversary, gals"?
J.D: Oops this one's for my aunt Judy and her lady friend.
J.D.: What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: Mrs. Wilk was asking me some questions that I actually thought would be best answered by you.
Mrs. Wilk: Why did that sweaty attorney ask me if my affairs were in order?
J.D.: Because I wanted to make sure that you're as comfortable as possible.
Mrs. Wilk: As comfortable as possible? For what?
Dr. Cox: I'm going to sit for this.
J.D.: For the place that you're going. You know, the big puffy clouds... the bright lights... all your old friends...?
Mrs. Wilk: Seattle?
J.D.: No, no no no - not-not Seattle, the... you know, the dying... peacefully... place.
Mrs. Wilk: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Now, I'm going to stand!
J.D.: Ohh, right - your imaginary warning light. Don't be mad, Perry - this day was bound to come. See, I've studied you. I've taken your best qualities and my best qualities and I've combined them into something even better. Much the way that iced tea and lemonade were joined to become an "Arnold Palmer." Incidentally, has anyone ever done less to become famous? I mean, "Yay for me - I mixed two drinks together!"
Dr. Cox: Arnold Palmer is a golfer.
J.D.: I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry. The man's a drink mogul.
J.D.: Agh! My screenplay!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport!
J.D.: You just lit your pipe on my title page!
Dr. Cox: Why did you order a B.M.P. test on my patient, Mrs. Wilk, last night?
J.D.: Because she's my patient.
Dr. Cox: Interesting, seeing as I admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all-
J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr. Bursick! Stealing all of our jobs... Perry, we spent an equal amount of time with Mrs. Wilk. Now seeing as we're both attendings - i.e. "equals" - why don't we let her decide who her doctor is, huh?
Dr. Cox: Or... we could skip the day-trip to Unnecessary Land and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient and that, while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equals. We are, hmmm, unequals.
Elliot: We should have just believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: But lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
J.D.: Okay...
Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times - I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unprofessional.
J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid... you know... the place where... you know, there's clouds... and the... Space Needle... Seattle.
Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.
Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?
J.D.: Jambalaya!
Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty-
J.D.: Who?
J.D.: Look, Mrs. Wilk, you have something called systemic amyloidosis. Now, it's in your liver now, but it'll eventually shut down all your organs. There's a treatment, but it's very invasive, and at best it'll just give you a little more time.
Mrs. Wilk: Well, I've had a great life, so-
J.D.: Say no more. I'm gonna take amazing care of you.
Mrs. Wilk: Okay.
Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.
J.D.: She said "I've led a great life." And every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die."
