J.D. Quotes
J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the T.V. was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. Whatta you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the "room to room" thing.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Haley doesn't have a chance this month... I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was "Cassy."
J.D.: Ooh, "Cassy"'s pretty.
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.
Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
J.D.'s narration: Once a month? That's crazy!
J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only, everyone! That's how they're doin' it.
Carla: I'm going.
J.D.: I'll do it.
Janitor: I knew you would, you're very predictable.
J.D. & Janitor: No I'm not.
J.D. & Janitor: Stop doing that!
J.D. & Janitor: Peanutbutter egg dirt.
Turk: Ahhh! Sex time, people!
J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air, because they're trying for a boy - like Jesus!
Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy, it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, gimme a break, of course you're going, as a matter of fact I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: (Choking up) I...am...honored.
Dr. Cox: I...am...lying.
Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.
J.D.: Hey, do you guys like improv? Because I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. (Pretending to be Dr. Cox and his sister, Paige) "Do you want some pie?" - "Not me, I hate pie." - "What are you talking about? Who hates pie?" - "I've always hated pie! You never understood me." - "You're a pie racist." - "You're a cobbler whore."
J.D.'s narration: For God's sake, get off pie.
Paige: Jerk.
Dr Cox: Republican.
J.D.: (With his arms out) Pie!
J.D.: Hey, who's your friend?
Dr. Cox: My boy in a dress. Who's yours?
J.D.: Well, seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit, I'd say he's my new god.
Dr. Cox: Ah.
J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One - God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do.
