South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralKyle Broflovski Quotes
The Lonely Jew on Christmas Lyrics by Kyle
It's hard to be a Jew, on Christmas.
My friends won't let me join in any games.
And I can't sing Christmas Carols or decorate a Christmas Tree.
Or leave water out for Rudolf 'cause there's something wrong with me.
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ divinity.
I'm a Jew. a lonely Jew, on Christmas.
Hanukkah is nice but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing
Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh
And what the f**k is up with lighting all these
F**king candles tell me please?!
I'm a Jew. A lonely Jew.
I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew,
On Christmas.
Cartman: Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
Stan: Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman: Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle: No, but I get Channukah presents for eight days.
Cartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Cartman: How bout we sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch," in D-minor?
Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch Cartman!
Cartman: Well let's go home and start eating that candy.
Kyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Hey! My mom said she was young, and needed the money!
Kyle: Cartman, those photos were taken, like, last month!
Kyle: He was too young to be taken away from us.
Stan: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw!
Kyle: (sees Stan's costume and laughs) You look like a pansy!
Stan: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, what are you supposed to be?
Stan: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle: Why did you dress up like Raggedy Andy for?
Stan: Wendy's coming to school dressed up like Raggedy Ann, so that way, we'll win the costume contest as a pair.
Kyle: No way, dude; I'm going to win the contest with my sweet Chewbacca costume.
(Cartman shows up at the bus stop.)
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. (imitates Adolf Hitler)
Stan: Where'd you get that?
Cartman: My mom made it. Isn't it cool?
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: What're you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?
Stan: No. I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman: Oh, you look pretty cool...
(Cartman and Kyle both laugh.)
Kyle: (to Stan) Sissy!
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbit's all pissed off!
Stan: Oh, look, Kennny's not dead.
Kyle: You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle: Why is your family so poor, Kenny?
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
(Kyle, Stan and Cartman laugh; Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said: Your family had to put up a cardboard box for a second mortgage! Hear that? I'm talkin' to you, Kenny! Come on! Poor piece of crap.
Cartman: Hey, all of a sudden, my costume is pretty bad-ass, huh?
Kyle: Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT bad-ass!
Cartman: You're just jealous. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman: (mimicking Kyle) Wookies don't live in Endor!
Kyle: Well, At least my mom's not on the cover of "Crack Whore" magazine!
Cartman: What?? What did you say?
Kyle: Hey, dudes.
Stan: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Cartman: Check.
Stan: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle: Check.
Stan: Tazer?
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off. v
Stan, Cartman and Kyle: Trick or treat?!
Old Lady: Oh, how cute.
(Kenny bites her arm)
Stan: Dude, Kenny!
Old Lady: Oh, my god! Call 911!
Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!
Stan: I learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes or candy. It's about being good to one another and giving and loving.
Kyle: No dude, that's Christmas.
Stan: Oh. Well then what's Halloween about?
kyle: Costumes and candy.
Stan: Oh yeah.
