Lois: Did you see that sweet new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?
Bonnie: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask my index and middle finger.

Peter, we have a hamper. Stop throwing your dirty clothes in the toilet.

Remember, if you screw this up, mommy's going to kill all of your toys.

See, we're all terrible people inside.

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.

Can't you just go out there and pretend to have a good time?

There's nothing worse than grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving.

Success is being true to yourself.

Lois: Wow, Doctor Hartman, that's really short. I suppose it's fine if he's going to die at 14. Is there anything there about that?
Dr. Hartman: Well, we learned in medical school that the short ones do go faster, because they smell more farts than the rest of us.

Peter: Well, I am off to try and get out of this conversation!
Lois: Peter, what did you do?
Peter: He was slightly inconveniencing me and Joe, so we threatened to destroy his family.

Peter: No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
Lois: But you hit it into the water.
Peter: I know I hit it into the water.
Lois: But why do they have water if you're not supposed to hit it there.
Peter: Because it's fun! We're having fun!

Shhh! The green shirt went by again! If it goes around 30 times in 5 minutes, you get to have a diet coke!

Family Guy Quotes

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Peter

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)