South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Garrison Quotes
That's not true! Your father loved youoften.
Mrs. Garrison
Mr. Garrison Sr.: What? I never sexually abused you!
Mr. Garrison: I know! I want to know why not!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: WHAT!?
Mr. Garrison: Was it because I was ugly?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison: It was because I wasn't good enough wasn't it?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: I...no!
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay. Mr. Garrison you're just having a hard time dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse, so you switched personalities to Mr. Hat. Mmkay.
Mr. Garrison: Oh good one Sherlock. Did you figure that one out all by yourself?
Merry F(beep)king Christmas song:
MR. GARRISON: I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly Middle East.
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus,
They have different religious beliefs.
They believe in Muhammad,
And not in our holiday,
And so every December,
I go to the Middle East and say,
"Hey there Mr. Muslim,
Merry f(beep)king Christmas,
Put down that book the Koran,
And hear some holiday wishes.
In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass,
and f(beep)king celebrate."
There is no holiday season in India I've heard,
They don't hang up their stockings,
And that is just absurd!
They've never read a Christmas story.
They don't know what Rudolph is about,
And that is why in December,
I'll go to India and shout,
"Hey there Mr. Hinduist,
Merry f(beep)king Christmas,
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus.
In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Hindu ass,
and f(beep)king celebrate!"
Now I heard that in Japan,
Everyone just lives in sin,
They pray to several gods,
And put needles in their skin.
On December 25th,
All they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan,
And walk around and say,
"Hey there Mr. Shintoist,
Merry f(beep)king Christmas,
God is going to kick your ass,
You infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed,
There's festive things to do,
So lets all rejoice for Jesus,
And Merry f(beep)king Christmas to you."
On Christmas day I travel `round the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry F(beep)king Christmas, To You!"
(Clapping)
Thank you, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison: Hey guys, let's all play a game of grab-ass.
Gerald: What's grab-ass?
Mr. Garrison: We just run around in circles and grab each other's asses.
The hare-krishnas are totally gay!
CIA member: I need to talk to you, you, you, and you. (points to Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny)
Mr. Garrison: Now what have you little bastards done?
Cartman: It was Kyle who went #2 in the urinal!
Kyle: Shut up, fat ass!
(Mark, the home schooled kid, rolls into Mr. Garrison's class in a giant hamster ball.)
Mark: Hey guys, what's up?
Cartman: Dude, what's wrong with you, you got some kind of John Travolta disease or something?
Mr. Garrison: Alright children, let's all just try to ignore the fact that there's a little boy in a giant hamster ball and continue on with our lesson, okay?
Cartman: Alright that's it, SCREW YOU GUYS; I'm going to home school.
Mr. Garrison: Oh please God, let it be forever.
For the last time I am not Garrison-san! and this is not Hat-san!
Mr. Garrison: Nothing ever went wrong in this town before that evil Korn band showed up.
Sharon Marsh: Well I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshipping butts out of town!
Great party Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.
