South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Garrison Quotes
Mr Garrison: Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means? (Cartman raises his hand) Yes Eric?
Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Gerald: Did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an a*s-sucker?!
Mr. Garrison: Yes.
Gerald: And you did nothing.
Mr. Garrison: Well, he is a little a*s-sucker.
Interior Department Official: Now we'll have to find a place to for it.
Mr. Garrison: I'll keep it at my house.
Mayor McDaniels: No Garrison you're just going to try and have sex with it.
Mr. Garrison: What? How dare you say that!
Mayor McDaniels: Remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?
Mr. Garrison: Oh c'mon, you all know that pigeon was a total slut.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I tell you, boys... Women can kill, poontang's expensive; that's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave em. I say "Get out my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry!".
Stan: Thanks, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Sure, kids.
(The boys leave the classroom.)
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Your not fooling anyone. (normal voice) Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!
Chefs love song:
Sometimes you fall in love!
And you think you'll feel that way forever!
You change your life and ignore your friends cause you think it can't get any better!
But then love goes away, no matter what it doesn't stay as strong!
And then your left with nothin cause your thinking with your dong!
So watch out for that lover! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!
Just play it cool and don't be a fool!
Mr.Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
Chef: Damn Right Garrison!
(Randy, after having been shunned by the town, is carrying the Micheal Angelo's "David" style statue of himself like Jesus carried the cross while being pelted with rocks )
Randy: Mr. Garrison, Mr. Garrison! You've got to help me!
Mr. Garrison: I, I do not know you, sir.
Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?
Choir Teacher: Excuse me?
Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
Kyle: Shut up, fat ass!
Stan: Choirs suck.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! (sighs deeply and tells the choir teacher) Go ahead.
Jimbo: There's a murderer free in South Park! We have to find out who it is before they kill again!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, God only knows who they'll kill next!
Announcer: Who will they kill next? Will it be: Jimbo? Officer Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
Jimbo: Well, looks like we're not going anywhere for a long time.
Director: We're snowed in?
Mayor: Yes! We're trapped!
Mr. Garrison: Like sailors on a submarine...
Mayor: My god, this is the worst storm I have ever seen!
Director's Assistant: Oh, I have to get out of here; I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Officer Barbrady: Yeah, I'm getting kind of hungry, too!
Jimbo: I hope you all don't realize what we're facing here... Our only option might be to...eat each other to stay alive.
(Everybody in the building gasps in horror.)
Director: Uh... It's only been, like, four hours... Aren't you people resorting to cannablism a little quickly?
Jimbo: That's a while to live, Mr. Director. I don't eat plenty, but if some of us must die so the rest can stay alive so be it.
Mayor: But...how do we decide who?
Jimbo: Well, we'll draw straws...
Director: Now, wait just a minute! You've all had a big breakfast! Can't you people live without eating for a while??
Jimbo: Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
Director: Well, who the hell made you the boss, anyway??
Announcer: Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it: Officer Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Mephisto's been shot!
Chef: Is he dead??
Jimbo: Hey, look! This window has been shot open! That means the killer was not somebody in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Well, then who was it?
Announcer: Who shot Mephisto? Was it: The school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: (interrupting) Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer: (continues) Or was it Mrs. Broflovski?
Jimbo: Alright, so far everyone has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing
(Jimbo picks a piece of straw.)
Jimbo: (relieved) Whew!
(Mr. Garrison picks a piece of straw.)
Mr. Garrison: (relieved) Whew!
(Officer Barbrady looks at the last piece of straw in his hands.)
Officer Barbrady: Whew.
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one??
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Damn it, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Officer Barbrady: That's not how I played it
Mr. Garrison: Oooh, can we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
Well let me put it another way. You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad. Mr. Hat is gonna SMACK YOU BITCHES UP!!!
