South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Garrison Quotes
Mr. Garrison: The fist film showing is called 'Witness to Denial' and is a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Stan: Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch again you're going straight to the principal's office!
(long pause)
Cartman: Bitch!
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric go--
Cartman: I'M GOIN'!
Mr Garrison: Okay children I have some very exciting news for you. Why don't you tell them Mr Twig? (Garrison as Mr Twig) That's right Mr Garrison. The first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wendy: Wow! Cool.
Kyle: They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again are they?
Mr Garrison: No, no, Kyle, these are independent films.
Stan: Oh like Independence Day? That sucked ass too.
Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo!
Well I can tell you that I'm 100% NOT GAY!!
Mr. Garrison: (answering phone) Hello?
Mr. Mackey: Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Mr. Garrison: Is this some kind of joke?!
Mr. Mackey: (chuckles) Yes.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
Mr. Mackey: No, I don't think you can... M'kay?
Mr. Garrison: (hanging up) Goddammit!
Kyle: Are there any questions? Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Yes, where the f**k did you hear this ridiculous load of bulls**t?
Kyle: From Vietnam veterans.
Mr. Garrison: Yes officer, what is it?
Officer Barbrady: I need to go poopy.
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, we go to the bathroom before and after class.
Officer Barbrady: Aw Christ! How do you kids do it?
Father Maxi: Who would have sex with a chicken?
Halfy: I would.
Mr. Garrison: Aw you couldn't screw anything Halfy, you don't have any legs.
Father Maxi: Have some respect for people's feelings, would you Halfy?
Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!!
Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem. (to waiter) Another cosmo, please.
Tom: All righty then. Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison: I can live with that.
