Quiet Jane is the scariest Jane.

Alex: This is gonna be so much. I'm gonna get a penis shaped cake and a penis pinata.
Penny: It's a baby shower, not a bachelorette party.
Alex: Right right, ok what kind of penis stuff should I get?

Penny: The only people who can get away with being mean are rockstars or brain surgeons or Mr. Phil.
Jane: I think you mean Dr. Phil.
Penny: C'mon it's a PHD. Everybody calm down.

So Dave is really gonna fight the guy? Our Dave? The same Dave who wept during Jeremy Renner's Oscar speech?

Max, why are you dressed like Josh Brolin from "The Goonies?"

Penny: Yes! Year of Penny!
Max: The year's been over for a couple of months Pen.
Penny: Not the fiscal year of Penny. Suck it taxpayers!

You'd think baby number three would just fall out!

When I went out with that male nurse, I found out that I still have a soft spot for dating gay guys.

Max: Pen I think you know me, we've made love.
Penny: Ugh.
Max: I think you ugh-mazing!

Penny: Ever since she's been hanging out with Avi's crew all she eats is pills and powders.
Jane: Sounds like my Vegas diet.

Dave: Whore's bath?
Penny: Ah yeah David, I did take a whore's bath okay? I had a one night stand and didn't have time to shower so did I rub some dryer sheets on my pits and throw some water on my hush at Au Bon Pain? Yes I did.

My body is a temple and your bodies are stadium urine troughs.

Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."