South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralStan Marsh Quotes
Kyle: I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
Stan: Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch.
Stan: You're Chef's parents?
Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
Stan: We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? (taps him)
Kyle: He's asleep. Wake up fat ass!
Cartman: What what what?
Stan: Goddamnit! You can't fall asleep.
Cartman: I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
Stan: Dad, where's our Bible?
Randy: Not now Stan, I have to figure out what makes people spontaneously combust. Or else.
Stan: Or else what?
Randy: Exactly.
Stan: What?
Randy: Right.
Randy: Stan, go live with Kyle's family.
Stan: No dad, Kyle's dad sucks. He can't even get a nerection.
Randy: (chuckles) Really?
Mr. Mackey: Hi boys!
Stan and Kyle: (imitating Mackey) Hello, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Have you boys been sure to pass gas so that you don't spontaneously combust?
Kyle: We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Well let me show you. (pats his butt) Oooh, baby, come on.
(Mr. Mackey farts and boys cover their noses and mouths)
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Stan: Sick, dude!
Mr. Mackey: I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night. (giggles)
Kyle: Dude, I think you pulled mud.
Mr. Mackey: So you know you need to do that regularly, mmmkay.
Stan: Okay, okay, just go away. (Mackey goes away) Dude, that was not cool at all.
Newscaster: The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts. Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say:
Randy Marsh: Uhh, I, I don't know what to say--
(Cuts back to the newscaster.)
Newscaster: What an asshole! I hate that guy and so do you! And now onto the weather! It' f(beep)king hot! Thanks to Randy Marsh; son of a bitch.
(Stan and Kyle arrive at Cartman's cross, three weeks after crucifying him)
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: That's amazing!
Cartman: (Not in view) You guys, I am really pissed off now!
Kyle: You're still alive?!
Cartman: Get me down from hyah!
Stan: You survived all this time on all the fat stored up in your body?
(camera switches to show a shrivelled Cartman on the cross)
Cartman: That's right. And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!
Stan: Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
Kyle: No, I don't think so.
Kenny(muffled): How 'bout this?
Kyle: No, that's a hairdryer!
Store Clerk: Can I help you find something?
Kyle: Yeah, do you have any nerections?
Store Clerk: Any what?
Kyle: I need to get a nerection for my dad.
Store Clerk: Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it.
Stan: Why is that funny?
Kyle: Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And I heard them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nerection. So, I wanna get him one.
(The scene changes, and they're outside)
Kyle: Damn it, what the hell is wrong with everybody?!
Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of; why's it so hard to get a nerection?
Kenny(muffled): I know, it's f**kin' bullshit!
Kyle: I just wanna get a nerection so I can give it to my mom.
Random man on street: What?
Randy: Boys, did you notice anything strange about Kenny, in the weeks leading up to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?
Randy: Maybe nothing...maybe everything.
(Dramatic music plays in the background)
Stan: Yeah, well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nerection.
Randy: Yes, yes of course-I've got work to do.
(They leave the room)
Randy: What?
Stan: All we ever heard growing up was "save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile."
Kyle: Yeah. Fragile, my ass!
(After Kenny has been struck by lightning)
Kyle: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Stan: You bastards!
Kelley: Who!? Who killed him!?
Kyle: They...uh, they did.
Kelly: Who's they!?
Stan: ..They're bastards...
