You know I think losing my fortune is gonna be easier than losing you so why don't we just stop now.

• Permalink: You know I think losing my fortune is gonna be easier than losin...
• Added: December 05, 2012

Did you know that as a doctor I could diagnose myself as a giant tool?

• Permalink: Did you know that as a doctor I could diagnose myself as a giant...
• Added: November 14, 2012

I just got a new sports car, thought we could open her up, get a few speeding tickets.

• Permalink: I just got a new sports car, thought we could open her up, get a...
• Added: November 14, 2012

Doesn't you going out and having fun violate some kind of law?

• Permalink: Doesn't you going out and having fun violate some kind of law?
• Added: October 24, 2012

Who stays mad at a castaway?

• Permalink: Who stays mad at a castaway?
• Added: October 24, 2012

My best friend is getting legally resurrected. I wouldn't miss this for the world.

• Permalink: My best friend is getting legally resurrected. I wouldn't miss t...
• Added: October 17, 2012

Tommy: By my rough estimate, you have no had sex in 1839 days, as your wingman I highly recommend Carmen Golden.
Oliver: Which one is she?
Tommy: The one that looks like the chick from Twilight.
Oliver: What's Twilight?
Tommy: You're so better off not knowing.

• Permalink: By my rough estimate, you have no had sex in 1839 days, as your ...
• Added: October 10, 2012

Everyone is happy you're alive, you wanna see the one person who isn't?

• Permalink: Everyone is happy you're alive, you wanna see the one person who...
• Added: October 10, 2012

I want one of those tshirts that says my friend was a cast away and all I got was this crappy shirt.

• Permalink: I want one of those tshirts that says my friend was a cast away ...
• Added: October 10, 2012