Peter: Your son threatened you with repressed memories? Oh, my god, he is seriously twisted. I gotta meet this kid.
Bree: You sound like you're impressed.
Peter: I sorta am. Sounds like you're definitely raising an alpha male.
Bree: I'm raising a monster is what I'm raising. It's no wonder I drink.

Bree: Is this Libby's real hair color?
Gabrielle: Yes, it's all natural, from her straight teeth to her C cup. And I know she's athletic because she's a pole dancer, so I really hope that my little girl inherits that as well. No, the athletic gene, not the pole dancing gene.

Gabrielle: These can't be our only choices, Mr. Beale, I mean, come on! Each girl is uglier than the next!
Beale: Look, finding a gorgeous pregnant woman who is willing to give her baby to a couple with a criminal record isn't exactly a walk in the park.

Gabrielle: Okay, look, we have to find another mother.
Carlos: Why?
Gabrielle: Okay, this isn't easy to say, so I'm just going to say it, but have you taken a good look at her?
Carlos: Oh my god, are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?
Gabrielle: No! Plain I can handle - Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house the clocks have stopped working!
Carlos: No one can predict what a child is going to look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests.
Gabrielle: With her DNA? The only thing that kid's going to be winning is best in show.

Mary Alice: (opening voiceover) Gabrielle Solis had always been a demanding shopper.
(Gabrielle is looking out the front window, watching a car pull up)
Gabrielle: Carlos! Come on, they're here!
Mary Alice: (continuing voiceover) And whatever the purchase, she always expected the very best - whether it was exotic perfume shipped over from Paris, a high fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan, or designer shoes flown in from Manhattan. But on this day, her expectations were going to be put to the test - you see, Gabrielle was now shopping for a baby, and there was a problem with the manufacturer. (Gabrielle opens the door to a very scary looking girl)

(voiceover) At the precise moment when Dr. Hanson Mills was cutting another umbilical cord, other ties were being severed all over town. (A doctor severs an umblical cord from a newborn) Like the one between a child and a mother, who didn't want him to grow up so quickly (Shot of Veronica giving Donovan a juice box.) Or the one between a case of fine wine, and the housewife who hadn't wanted to admit she had a problem. (Shot of Bree placing her bottles of wine in a box for Goodwill.) Or between a woman and the boyfriend, who couldn't forgive her betrayal. (In the hospital, Dr. Ron talks on the phone to Susan.) The choice to separate from what we love is painful. (At the strip club, a man comes over to Libby.) The only thing worse, was when someone we trusted makes the choice for us. (The man is apparently the baby's father, who is doting on the baby. Libby does not seem pleased.)

Mary Alice

Libby: What's wrong?
Gabrielle: You never gave a crap that we're Mexican did you?
Libby: Not really.
Gabrielle: So why put me through this?
Libby: Because I thought if it look like you were gonna get my baby then you might be just a bit more generous.
Gabrielle: Wow! You're a lot smarter than I thought.
Libby: I'm smarter than everybody thinks.

Bree: Hello there. I thought you and your friend might like some snacks.
Andrew: He's my lawyer and this is privileged communication so get out.

Bree: (about Karl and Susan) Did he just call her "baby"?
Gabrielle: Yeah, when did THEY stop hating each other?!

Carlos: He is gonna dump us as clients if you don't stop being so damn picky!
Gabrielle: We're gonna have to stare at this face for the next 18 years. I don't think now is the time to skimp on quality!

If I wanna catch flies all I have to do is call one of these girls. Trust me, the flies would follow.


Peter: Anyway, here's my card and if you ever do have a problem and feel like talking give a call, ok?
Bree: I know you think I'm kidding myself but I'm not! I'm nothing like you people! I just don't have a compulsive personality.

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

Xiao-mei: Here, taste this.
Carlos: Oh, man! Xiao-mei, that is amazing.
Xiao-mei: You like?
Carlos: Oh, yeah. Sorry if I'm making a mess.
Xiao-mei: It's okay. Mu Shu Pork. Supposed to be messy.
Carlos:I wish Gabrielle could cook like this. Have you ever tried her enchiladas?
Xiao-mei:One time they make me sick.

Matthew: Mom. Look, I know you're out there. Please, just talk to me. Mom, I need something to drink. Just some water, some juice, something, anything, please. (bangs on the door) Mom! You want me to say I set Caleb up. Yeah, I did it. I started thinking about all those years, years that we had to take care of him and I just thought maybe once he was gone, we could have a normal life. And I'm sorry. But Mom, you have got to let me out of here, now!
(Betty gets up. With a crowbar, she bangs on the door.)
Betty: You! You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without reason. It's an unforgivable betrayal! I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there because if I let you out, I don't know what I might do to you!