Alberta: It was you all along, Isaac! The only thing I can’t figure out is why.
Isaac: I was very bored. I thought a mystery could spice things up, so, yes, I tossed Crash’s head into the woods.

Pete: Right… orchids! Hah, my bad!
Trevor: Seriously?
Pete: What? I had a senior moment. Technically, I’m 78.

Isaac: But how did you come to be in this tree stump? Did your head dislodge from a powerful sneeze, perhaps?
Crash: No. Somebody tossed me in there!
[They all gasp]
Isaac: But who? Who would do that?!

Jay: Did he high-five me?
Sam: Uh, no. Your hand just went through Trevor’s face.
Jay: Oh, sorry, but it serves you right for trying to have sex with my sister.

Alberta: Did my own sister murder me?
Sam: Did Alberta’s own sister murder her?
Flower: [Gasps] Did my own sister murder me?!
Pete: Flower, it was a bear.
Flower: Oh right!

Alicia: He said I should quit being a lawyer to pursue my dream of a singing career. And he was right! I’m gonna do it.
Alberta: What?! I just fixed you! Why are you doing something dumb again?!
Pete: That’s the thing about parenting. The victories are very short-lived.
Thorfinn: Welcome to the club.
Alicia: I’m going after my dream.
Alberta: Damn it, Todd!

Hetty: I do not like being in this position.
Trevor: Well, I know what position you do like being in.
Hetty: How dare you! Oh, meet me downstairs in five minutes?

Nigel: Interesting, I guess you could say this is a house of secrets. Right, Hetty and Trevor?
Sasappis: What does that mean?
Hetty: He’s clearly referring to the secret stash of chocolates Jay keeps hidden in his sock drawer.
Nigel: Yes … that is what I was talking about.

Isaac: We do not need external validation to pump ourselves up.
Sam: Exactly! Because we are enough.

Flower: Maybe two people shouldn’t be exactly the same? Maybe it’s good that we’re opposites? Also, watching you sit there and act like Pete was a real turn-off.
Pete: Okay, not too long ago, you two were begging me to be your third.

Alberta: Let’s talk about cod.
Thorfinn: Oh boy…
Alberta: It’s a very bland fish. It’s probably the worst fish out of all fish.
Thorfinn: That is perfectly reasonable opinion.
Alberta: And what’s the deal with the little girl braids and your beard? Did your friends do that for you at a sleepover?
Thorfinn: Each braid represent brother I lose in battle.

Sam: Although, look at these melons. Beautiful, huh?
[Everyone stares at Trevor]
Trevor: What?
Alberta: Go on, make a disgusting comment about Sam’s melons so we can all move on with our day.
Sam: Oh my god, I teed myself up. Didn’t I?
Trevor: I wasn’t gonna say anything!

Ghosts Quotes

Welcome to the Woodstone B and B!


Jay: Oh my God, Pete?!
Pete: Jay? You can see me?! Gadzukes, Jay, say yes.
Jay: I don’t believe it.
Pete: I don’t either. Bring it in big fella!
[Jay passes through Pete’s ghost form]