Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

Claire: You can't just roll over on someone because it makes you uncomfortable!
Phil: Whatever you want.

Nobody's gonna see my bod in this bulky bull costume

Cam

Hey Cam, I heard a rumor that you keep flashing our guests.

Mitchell

It's getting a little warm in here. Do you mind if we crack a window? Unless I've already done that with my head...

Mitchell [while blindfolded in the backseat of a speeding car]

Mitchell: Wow remember when you dropped me off at summer camp? You barely slowed down the car.
Jay: You never had a condition that made it difficult to breathe.
Mitchell: I was a closeted gay kid at sports camp. I spent the week in mid-faint.

We agreed to tell Lily the about her mother together wearing calming earth tones and we agreed to tell her the truth!

Cameron

It is really nice to be liked for who you really are pretending to be.

Mitchell

Wait so you're telling me this call isn't coming from inside the house?

Phil

Looks like someone has an issue with anger franagment!

Mitchell

Jay: You're wearing a $10K watch and you haggling over 15 cents?
Guy: You live in this place and you can't let that 15 cents go?
Jay: Fine 35.
Guy: Can you break a 50?
Jay: Get out.

Alex: Focus people, what does Uncle Mitchell like?
Haley: I don't know, gay things, right? What's a gay think you can think of?
Luke: Ha. He's married to it.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me