Phil: Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
Claire: What?!?

• Permalink: Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

I love you when you're human.

Phil [to Claire]

• Permalink: I love you when you're human.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

You look hot enough to cook a pizza on... in.

Phil

• Permalink: You look hot enough to cook a pizza on... in.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jay: Want some coffee?
Manny: Say yes. It's french press. I was doubtful too, but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.

• Permalink: Want some coffee? Say yes. It's french press. I was doubtful t...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Buffalo Phil. Worth the wait.

Phil

• Permalink: Buffalo Phil. Worth the wait.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mitchell: I don't like football.
Cameron: You know what? I thought part of being in a relationship was pretending to enjoy your partner's interests. Do you think I really loved home pickle making?
Mitchell: Yeah, 'cause you did.
Cameron: For a week, until we became the weird guys who gave everybody pickles. "Oh thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into your lovely home. Here, would you care for sacks pickles?"
Mitchell: It was charming.
Cameron: We were picklers, Mitchell. Okay, you know what, fine. Stay home with your little, jagged scissors. Maybe catch up on your scrap-booking.
Mitchell: Uh, come-you love scrap-booking.
Cameron: Did I Mitchell? Did I? [Leaves room]
Mitchell: No, stop. Don't do the double question to prove a point thing. I hate it when people do that.
Cameron [holds Lily outside the door]: Do you Mitchell? Do you?
Mitchell: Stop Lily

• Permalink: I don't like football. You know what? I thought part of being ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Someone has to. I got two Colombians as home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican right?
Jay: Ahh. Burrito, burr-righto.

• Permalink: Still keeping traditions alive, huh? Someone has to. I got tw...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Two thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Jay [on Gloria and Manny's lack of bike-riding skills]

• Permalink: Two thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

• Permalink: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Mis...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: She has to run everyday or she goes crazy, she's like a Border Collie.
Claire: Did you just compare me to a dog?!?
Phil: The smartest in the world!

• Permalink: She has to run everyday or she goes crazy, she's like a Border C...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Just concluding a little business. Successfully, I might add!

Phil [from the port-o-potty]

• Permalink: Just concluding a little business. It went very well.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

You know how growing up we all have that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school

Claire [on her mother]

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• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0