J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Elliot, this woman doesn't like me. It could keep me from becoming the youngest chief of surgery in history, which could keep me from curing paralysis, which could keep me from having my birthday be a national holiday! And everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday!

Turk

The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed too. I have a beard now

J.D.

Carla: This guy's sick.
J.D.: Thanks.

J.D.: May I please be excused?
Dr. Cox: You move - you die.

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here, I like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now but, at the beep, leave your name and your penis size!"
Dr. Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal, who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?
Dr. Steadman: Beeeeeeep.
Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.
Dr. Steadman: It's like a baguette!

J.D.(on phone): Uh, listen, something's been on my mind...
Danni(on phone): Me too. I just feel like my life is so scattered lately and you're the only good thing I have going right now.
J.D.(on phone): Awesome.
Carla: How's he doing?
Laverne: The boy's got no biscuits.
J.D.: I am trying to break someone's heart here, okay?

Elliot: Okay, rocktors - heh, that's my name for doctors who rock next patient!
J.D.'s Narration: Ever since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.
Male Intern: Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously?
Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, heh, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by a pituitary adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.
Dr. Cox: Hate to burst your bubble, there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.

Elliot: Dr. Cox never compliments me about anything!
Janitor: Well, he should. Your new look has completely changed my perspective. For instance, this is not a broom with fraying edges - this is now a broom that reminds me of blonde doctor's bangs. Tough and spunky!
Elliot: Oh, my God! That is exactly the look that I was going for!

Dr. Cox: Ted, why don't you be a sport and... and get us started.
Ted: Uh, people, we're here today...
Dr. Cox: Snore! New idea: we're all gonna clam up for about an hour so I can get some shut-eye. Oh, and Nervous Guy-
Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: If I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.

I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway...this is a rug.

Janitor

Turk: Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
Elliot: I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!... Okay, not funny yet.

Scrubs Quotes

Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.

Laverne

Now, let's talk, Ted. Just you and me. No lawyers.

Dr. Kelso