Sir, we've got some complaints that the new discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight. I contacted the manufacturer, but apparently he's decided to focus more on his hand-made smoking paraphernalia.

Ted

Dr. Cox: Bottom line: We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face.

Elliot: So, I waxed my legs at home last night.
Carla: Yeah, how did that go?
Elliot: Not great, I can't do it. I'd rather die hairy.

Dr. Cox: Boy, oh boy, that's some rock. When, uh, when's the big day?
Jill: Oh, me? No, no, never - my fiancé dumped me. I'm just noticing how beautiful his mother's ring is. You know, compared to the fake one I sent back to him. Oops!

Dr. Cox: What brings Ms. Tracy to us?
J.D.: Oh, uh, her landlord found her passed out on her floor.
Jill: Yeah, lucky me, I couldn't pay my rent this month.
J.D.'s Narration: A recent study found that doctors spend an average of fifteen seconds listening to a patient. It sounds insensitive, but the truth is it's all the time you need.
Dr. Cox: So, how you feel?
Jill: Awesome!
Dr. Cox: Ms. Tracy...
Jill: Headachy, nauseous, and embarrassed that my landlord saw me in my granny panties.

Jill: Hey guys, how are you? I'm great! You know me, I'm up, up, up, up, up, and then some fashion nazi on the E! Network says that pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes, and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep in mint-chocolate chip ice cream. Meheehee.
J.D.: You know, if you leave it on the counter for an hour, you can just drink it like a milkshake. Except, watch out - if that block's not totally melted, hits you in the face!
Jill: Oh, that'd go everywhere.
J.D.: Yeah, one time I got Chunky Monkey in my eye.

Jordan: So, we're gonna go eat some more disgusting fried food and then look at the fat lady to make ourselves feel better.
Danni: So, we'll meet you guys on the Ferris wheel. Only if your stomach's okay.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, it's only the back-and-forthy rides that get me.

Hey, Dr. Kelso. Hey. Dr. Kelso. Uh, I don't know if you heard or not, but Bernice, the lady who does the PA announcements usually, she just got hit by a bus, and, um, I was on the speech team in high school... so, anyway, I was thinking that maybe from now on, I could do the announcements. You know, just until Bernice gets back on her... foot.

Janitor

Danni: Jordan just said we should all go to the carnival tonight.
J.D.: The carnival!?... Oh, I can't go to the carnival, Danni. I puke at carnivals... a lot.
Danni: You don't really puke at carnivals, do you.
J.D.: I do. But I still love 'em!
Dr. Cox: Look, I have an even dandier idea: Why don't you crazy kids do something on your own?

J.D.: Ms. Tracy, we found some organophosphates in your system. Have you had any recent exposure to pesticides?
Jill: Pesticides? No, I don't have any pest problems.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, that must be so nice!
J.D.: They're just feelings; they'll heal.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though Dr. Cox got a front-row look at Little Buddy - ohhh, no! Now I'm saying it! - my day still started off great!
Dr. Cox: I'm about to set a new distance record for projectile vomiting.
Jordan: Come on... It reminds me of my sexiest kiss: Our honeymoon, standing waist-deep in the ocean... I think you were in at the bar.

Danni: Be brilliant today!
J.D.: I always am.

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 7 Quotes

Janitor(over PA): A quick note for all my comatose listeners out there: all your lovers have moved on. But, if it's any consolation, my sources tell me they're happy. Well, snooze, you lose.

J.D.: So say it again.
Danni: No, you have to earn it.
J.D.: I'll try.
They kiss deeply
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, we're watching a movie here.
Jordan: Shh!
Dr. Cox: Kill me.