I've never seen you put on deodorant before.

Carl [to Frank]

Well the food's not so great, but the pussy's pretty good.

Grammy Gallagher

It's bad enough that my cookie box is all stretched out.

Jasmine

You just made my boy parts get bigger.

Kevin

So uh, Kev, just out of curiosity, you happen to know the age of consent in Illinois?

Frank

Candace: More cookies to sell?
Debbie: Is Jimmy here?
Candace: No he's back at school in Michigan.
Debbie: No, he's living 96 blocks away on the Southside, dating my sister, stealing cars, and going by the name of Steve.

Aww you guys popped your cherry! Hey you see my dad in there?

Kevin

You're Frank's kid? And this is your first felony bust? Gettin a little late start for a Gallagher, aren't ya.

Cop [to Lip]

Carl: They give you a cavity search.
Lip: No we weren't there long enough, think it was probably on the menu though.

I banged Filipino hookers in the Navy that look more innocent than my niece.

Bar Patron

Ian: Hey Fiona? I'm gay.
Fiona: I know.

Surround sound bitching is the only thanks I get.

Frank

Shameless Quotes

Everytime she pees on the stick it's bad news and then I get depressed thinking about my husband banging my mom cause we selfishly wanna have a baby with some of our DNA.

V

Gus: See you at two.
Fiona: Wouldn't miss it.