The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Quotes
Marina: You need to let me do the talking. This is sensitive.
Kady: How’d you fuck over Anna, huh? Did she lose a limb or something?
Marina: Well, I definitely fucked her.
Sir Effingham: My vision of Fillory’s demise has grown clearer. I now see those who would bring the apocalypse to Fillory have visited it many times before. They enter from a distance realm through a tree.
Julia: Like a portal tree?
Sir Effingham: Indeed, these fiends plan to thieve away every soul in the land before they destroy it outright.
Julia: Huh? How exactly do they do that?
Sir Effingham: My vision is hazy, but I do know that they will turn back the clock on Fillory, resulting in ruin.
Julia: Um, does these fiends, do they succeed in stealing the people and building a new world for them?
Sir Effingham: That much I do not know because…wait, I made no mention of a new world. It is you.
Julia: It’s for Fillory’s own good. The dead will rise. This is the only way we can save everyone.
Sir Effingham: No, hogwash. What dark forces have corrupted your fair mind?
Julia: You have. We wouldn’t be on this quest if you hadn’t told us about it in the first place.
Sir Effingham: Are you now blaming me for your own villainy? Oh, the ways of the sow are nastier than I thought possible. But know this: The death of Fillory cannot come without a cost.
Julia: What do you mean?
Sir Effingham: Those who will destroy her will lose the ones they love.
Ember: In addition to just being very creepy, the dead drain life, contaminating everything they touch, like a pickle on a sandwich.
Josh: I like pickles.
Ember: Behold, a dead person wriggling from their grave. Oooh, aaghh. And this is every FIllorian that has ever lived.
All: Ugh.
Ember: You see the pickles of the dead will ruin Fillory. We must stop this, whatever the cost.
Eliot: Well, the cost is blowing up the entire planet, which is…
Ember: A decent option.
Eliot: I was going to say counterproductive.
Ember: Only if you care about peasants, which I do not.
Marina: You guys, come here.
Kady: Uh.
Marina: Kady, I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for all the times I have hurt you. Come inside for cookies?
Alice: What the fuck was that?
Penny: What are you doing?
Hyman: Just stretching.
Penny: You’re trying to put yourself into stasis. What the hell man?
Hyman: To be honest, I haven’t really enjoyed this episode of my life. What is so great about having a body anyway? You’re hungry all the time. Everything you do makes you sore. You’re pooping constantly.
Penny: That hasn’t been my experience, but your body’s been in a bench for a century. Give it a minute man.
Hyman: And when dramatic things are happening to your friends you can’t even watch.
Penny: This is about me and Julia? You’re pissed because you can’t listen in on everyone’s personal conversations? It’s none of your business.
Hyman: But it is. I put you two together. I ‘shipped you before you even ‘shipped yourselves. Before, I was a part of everything, and now, I am, uh, a minor character in my own story. God.
Penny: Well, that’s the tradeoff. You don’t get to spy on people’s intimate moments; you get to live your own.
Hyman: That’s supposed to be better? If people wanted to talk to me, do you think I would have done this in the first place?
Penny: So spying on the showers was…
Hyman: Loneliness…and horniness.
Penny: You’re never going to make a connection by hiding, Hyman. You got to put yourself out there, just be honest with people. It may take a minute, but you’ll find someone who can stand you.
Hyman: Uh, are you doing that thing where you’re giving me advice, but it’s just for you?
Penny: No, I’m trying to…god damn it, I got to find Julia.
Benedict: Penny, you got my invite.
Penny 40: Uhh.
Benedict: Oh, you need something.
Penny 40: Sorry man.
Benedict: This is so typical. You don’t come to my brunches, which I guess is fine, but you could at least RSVP.
Josh: That is the polite thing to do, so he doesn’t have too much food.
Penny 40: That makes sense.
Penny 40: I should get the bad news out of the way: I can’t help you.
Josh: Why the hell not?
Penny 40: Take a look around. Librarians have been going through some shit lately, no magic, too much magic but unpredictable. A lot of our folks got relocated, and we kinda don’t exactly know where. OK, perfect world, your boss steps in and oversees shit, but Hades has vanished.
Josh: Your boss is the god Hades? Cool, expect for the abandoning you part.
Penny 40: Can’t say that’s great. We got a skeleton crew. And, here’s the bad news for you: Our connection to the world of living, Hades controls that, and right before he FO’d he flipped the switch.
Josh: Why? Man, dead you is just way more zen. So after all that, why did you stay?
Penny 40: I make a promise. I keep it.
Plum: A time traveler walks into a bar in Vienna 1908, sits next to a young art student named Adolf Hitler. Adolf sighs into his beer. ‘You know what I hate,’ he asks. Time traveler says, ‘I don’t know, Jews.’ And Hitler goes, ‘Huh, now that you mention it.’ Penny, you gotta laugh, right?
Penny 23: You’re right. They’re no good jokes about time traveling.
Margo: This feels weird as fuck.
Alice: Just don’t move.
Fen: Did you poke her brain parts?
Alice: How does that feel?
Margo: Like you just stuck a flash drive into my jello hole. Ugh, oh my god, I feel something coming through. What the fuck?
Fen: Oh channel Josh is live.
Alice: How does it feel?
Margo: Like I’m getting acupuncture inside my brain, but it doesn’t hurt. Well thank god he’s alive, except where the shit face Jesus is he?
Fen: Wait, why is Penny in Taker-land?
Kady: That’s not, that’s not that Penny. That, that’s Penny, my Penny.
Alice: Wait, that would mean that Josh is in the Underworld.
Margo: No, no, no, that would mean…
Fen: Josh is dead.
Ash: Are you an adult?
Josh: Of course. Do I not seem like an adult?
Fogg: Do’s and don’ts of magical intercourse.
Eliot: I avoided real college so I didn’t have to see real shit like this.
Margo: Are you kidding? This is spank bank material.
Fogg: If it burns when you pee, infirmary. Red bumps like a curse, see the nurse. Scales, feathers, fur…
Margo: Medical attention that rhymes with fur, read you loud and clear.
Julia: Oh my god. Eliot, I did it; it worked.
Eliot: Yes, now do it for real.
Julia: What?
Eliot: I’m sorry.
Julia: You motherfucker. You incepted me.
Charlton: Your baby’s strong. It took three castings to deceive it.
Eliot: I had to make you believe it, so I had to tell you the spell was something else.
Julia: Honestly, fuck the both of you.
Eliot: Get mad later. Use the adrenaline right now. Do it again, now, Julia.
Julia: Go to hell. My baby is awesome.
Eliot: Celebrate later. Escape now. Keys.
