The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular The Simpsons Quotes
Homer: (as a blackjack dealer) Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-fiveDealer busts! Looks like you all win again.
Grampa: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Bart: None.
Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard! Now, let's see.
(Herman pulls out a map and spreads it out on the counter.)
Herman: Ah. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war.
(Herman pulls out a document.)
Herman: Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson."
(Herman mutters to himself as he doctors up the declaration of war.)
Bart: (to Grampa) Psst! Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind. We can't fail!
Marge: Krusty, say something funny!
Krusty: Uh, gee, a joke, uuhummeh ah funny, okay, this guy walks into a bar, he takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist, oh, no, wait, I can't tell that one!
I oversee fourteen schools and I always find myself at yours discussing a Simpson kid.
Chalmers
When I grow up, you can buy an apartment building and make me a super.
Bart
(Homer and Marge catch Selma kissing Grampa)
Homer: (screams) A bear is eating my father!
Selma: I'm Selma!
Homer: (screams) A talking bear is eating my father!
You're in the newspaper business? Something that's going to die before I do.
Grandpa
Ned Flanders: Reverend, would you like to try some of my devil's food cake?
Reverend Lovejoy: Is that really devil's food?
Ned Flanders: No, it's angel's food with chocolate on top.
Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm-hmmm, I thought so.
She can do the kind of math that has letters!
Nelson
Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem.
Homer
(ordering things over the phone with Homer's wallet) Do you accept the Federal Breast Inspector's card? ...License to Ogle? Vica...Oh, yes of course that's what I meant, Visa. It's these new dentures
Bart
(after he sniffed the comic book) It smells like my Grandpa.
Milhouse
