The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 18 Quotes
Homer: How would you like to be stacked naked in a pile and while a hillbilly girl points and laughs at you?
Cletus: That was our last Christmas card!
Moe: Heh, heh. This is the first time I ever watered down my liquor!
Lenny: Moe, why are your eyes darting back and forth like that?
Recruiter: Yo! I don't know which one I dig more Hip Hop, Crunk or serving my country.
Jimbo: Are you guys hitting on us?
Recruiter: We just want to talk to you about something near and dear to us.
Dolph: What? Being Gay.
Recruiter: Close. The ARMY.
Marge: Don't worry. I have a secret weapon. One more deadly then any gun.
Bart: Lisa's face?
Marge: A phone tree.
(During the opening credits, Mr. Burns acts as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.)
Mr. Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the crypt-keeper, or should I say master of scary-i-monies? (Laughs)
(Smithers interrupts Mr. Burn's opening speech.)
Smithers: (Laughs) Priceless sir, you made the word ceremonies frightening.
Mr. Burns: I know what I did. Urghh.
(In "Married to the Blob," Marge and Homer cuddle in the hammock in the back yard.)
Marge: Look! A shooting star!
Homer: Hey, that's great. Let's look at it after.
(Homer turns Marge's head for a kiss and while the two make out, the meteorite sears through Marge's hair and slams into the ground.)
Marge: Whoa! That almost tore my head off.
Homer: (Whining) Oh, you always find an excuse not to make out.
(In "Married to the Blob," a meteorite crashes in the Simpson family back yard and splits open, revealing a glowing green goo.)
Homer: Whoo! A space marshmallow!
(Homer plucks the goo with a stick and tries to eat the goo, which keeps trying to avoid Homer's mouth.)
Homer: Uh? Where do you think you're going?
Lisa: Dad, no! It could teach us the secret of interstellar travel.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he can't stay out of my mouth?
(The goo struggles in Homer's mouth before finally being swallowed.)
Marge: How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from.
Homer: Marge, I ate it. It's over.
(The goo tries to seep out of Homer's nose.)
Homer: Whoa! Oh, no, you don't!
(A determined Homer repeatedly snorts the goo back into his nose.)
Homer: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!
(In "Married to the Blob," after eating the green goo, Homer's stomach rumbles and he wakes up in a zombie-like trance.)
Homer: Must eat, then poop, then eat some more, then eat while pooping.
(Homer heads down to the kitchen and raids the refrigerator.)
Homer: (Panting) Still hungry.
(Bart stumbles into the kitchen to see what is going on.)
Bart: Dad?
Homer: Son, let me have a lick at you.
(Homer stuffs Bart into his mouth and tries to eat him. Marge walks into the kitchen and clicks on the light.)
Marge: Homer! You won't eat my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
Homer: Nag, nag, nag.
(Homer pulls a squirming Bart out of his mouth.)
(In "Married to the Blob," as Homer wanders through Springfield looking for things to eat, he happens upon a beach party full of teenagers.)
Homer: Ooh, teenagers! Mmm! (Gurgles and drools) No, today's teens have enough problems without me eating them!
Teenage Girl: Barbeque sauce fight!
(All the teens start squirting each other with Barbeque sauce, Squeaky Voiced Teen gets hit with some sauce and falls into a bonfire.)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (Screaming) The flames are sealing in my juices!
Homer: I'll savor you!
(Homer grabs Squeaky Voiced Teen and takes a bite out of him.)
Homer: Mmm! Extra-virgin. (Gurgles and drools)
(Homer starts stuffing Squeaky Voiced Teen into his mouth.)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (Screaming) Tell my friends I died kissing a girl!
Homer: No!
(Homer swallows Squeaky Voiced Teen.)
(In "Married to the Blob," Dr. Phil confronts Homer during one of his eating rampages.)
Dr. Phil: You've got a weight problem, and you know it!
Homer: You're right. Starting tomorrow, no bread before dinner.
Dr. Phil: Homer, don't sell me an outhouse and tell me it's a Taj Mahal!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Homer, stop doing that!
(In "Married to the Blob," Dr. Phil and Homer's family try to intervene during an eating rampage.)
Dr. Phil: Homer, your family's here. And you've gotta help me help them help you help me help you.
Homer: Marge, I missed you. All this eating has put me in the mood for a little lovin' (Purrs sexily)
Marge: I have to be honest with you: I can't love a 4,000 ton cannibal.
Homer: What happened to "for better or for worse?!"
Bart: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
Homer: (Licks fingers) It's amazing. He tastes just like Jeffery Tambor.
(Dr. Phil can be seen grunting and struggling inside Homer's stomach.)
Dr. Phil: Food does not equal love!
(Dr. Phil perishes inside Homer's stomach.)
