Bart: I missed you so much that I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an "F."
Homer: This is dated two weeks ago.
Bart: Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one.

What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as, "the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Homer

Marge: Homer I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge I didn't tell em personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everyone knew I dyed my hair blue.
Homer: Oh you mean about you?

Homer (wearing a leather jacket): Look everyone. Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Uh...incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.

Homer: Lisa you're smart, help me trick her into taking me back!
Lisa: Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together - there's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you wanna get Mom back, you'll just have to remember what you give her that no one else can.
Homer: I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
Lisa: No.
Homer: Okay thirty.

Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

(to Bart) Keep up the roughhousing, boy. Without a strong male figure, you could turn sissy overnight. (as he's scrubbing his underwear) Oh, these stubborn grass stains.

Homer

I can't believe I paid ten-thousand dollars for this class. What the hell was that lab fee for!?

Otto

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums, or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher ad more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live!

If he can teach a class, then he can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class!

Homer

Homer: Oh. And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Homer: Okay, brain. If we don't think of something, Marge will leave us forever!
Homer's Brain: Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding...
Homer: Well, alright. But then we gotta get to work. (starts eating the pudding)

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.