Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

Okay, I'll tell him to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the Earth not to spin and you to stop nagging me.

Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.

Alan: Oh, you poor guy, you have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And 45 minutes to get back!

Alan: Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
Charlie: Really, is that what you call it? Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
Alan: If you've done it as much as I have, you'd call it the high road.

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo

Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.

Charlie [locked in the bathroom]: There is no bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan: Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!
Charlie: What do you know, there is a bad Alan

Alan: Lenore, you think should be drinking?
Lenore: Why because I've been to Betty Ford?
Alan: No, because you got kicked out of Betty Ford

Charlie: So, drinking in the dark, eh?
Alan: Wasn't dark when I started

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
Miss Tuttle: That's very true.
Charlie: Well, I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.