Popular Alan Harper Quotes
Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.
Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.
Godspeed, Sam Wilson.
Britte: Alan, the big billionaire has a jet.
Alan: It slipped out when they were running away from me.
Jake: Dad, if Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts would that make you guys even?
Jake [to Charlie]: Boy, he's really mad at you
I'm implying that there may be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic
Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom
When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.
Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Alan: Great, come on in
Jake: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten" and I decided I had to go to college.
Alan: You expect me to pay $30,000-$40,000 a year so you can meet drunk girls who will lift their shirts?
Jake: Yes, please.