Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.

Alan: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
Charlie: Really? Still?

Alan: I... I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail

Alan: Got to run to the grocery store. I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.
Charlie: I don't know if the grocery store is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck

Alan: I'm just supposed to leave my car by the side of the road. What happens if someone tries to steal it?
Charlie: Good thinking. Leave the keys, gas money and a thank you note.

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Jake: I'm never gonna drink again.
Charlie: Quitter.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: Oh right, atta boy.

Judith: You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother.
Alan: No, no. you marry his pediatrician.
Herb: He's got you there, sweetie.

Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers

Alan: Rose.
Rose: Yes, baby.
Alan: You're a stalker.
Rose: We prefer to be called "boundary-challenged"

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Dr. Freeman: How's work?
Charlie: It's been pretty slow. Thankfully the house is paid off, the pension is funded, and I've give up prostitutes. Really all I need is drinking money... what's that, a couple grand a month?
Dr. Freeman: Sounds about right

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