Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

Lynsdey: How are you doing?
Alan: I am high, humiliated and hairless.

Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Alan: Nothing.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks

Doctor: You're a doctor?
Alan: I'm a chiropractor.
Doctor: Then... no

Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.

Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom

Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.

Alan: Charlie, you can't depend on the kindness of the universe.
Charlie: I have to. I don't have an older brother to sponge off of.

Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Alan: I guess a little morning quickie is out of the question?
Charlie: if you can do it without waking me up... you're not realy thinking about it are you?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie