Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.

Oh boy, role playing. Can I be the man?

Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either

Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.

Charlie: What time?
Alan: Eight.
Charlie: O'clock?
Alan: No, degrees

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in

Alan: Do you know what happens to pretty, slender fellows in jail?
Evil Alan: Yeah, they usually hang themselves after their first shower.

Alan: He's growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money... not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags!
Jake: I do like fries

Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
Alan: You're going to charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake

Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.