Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.

Last summer he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bath tub

Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.

(To Charlie) But it always seems to work out that every time you get laid, I get screwed!

Beverly: I guess you've noticed I'm a little taller than 5'9".
Alan: Oh, yeah, but, uh, everybody fudges a little on those dating profiles. How tall are you?
Beverly: 5'13"

Charlie: Did I hear Numbnuts come in?
Alan: "Numbnuts?"
Charlie: Oh, sorry. Numbnuts Junior.

Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me.
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: But that's me!

Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie