Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

Britte: Alan, the big billionaire has a jet.
Alan: It slipped out when they were running away from me.

Jake: Dad, if Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts would that make you guys even?
Alan: No.
Jake [to Charlie]: Boy, he's really mad at you

I'm implying that there may be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic

Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy

Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom

When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in

Jake: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten" and I decided I had to go to college.
Alan: You expect me to pay $30,000-$40,000 a year so you can meet drunk girls who will lift their shirts?
Jake: Yes, please.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Chelsea: I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and we're not living together
Charlie: Well excuse me for being old fashioned. I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No no, it's not the sin I object to, it's the living in it