Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

Alan: Jake, what are we going to do? You've really fallen behind this year.
Jake: I know, I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
Alan: Oh?
Jake: Yeah, it took awhile, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me

Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.

Alan: Did you know Rose has a master's degree in psychology?
Berta: Did you know I'm a founding member of the mile high club?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, me and Orville at Kitty Hawk

Charlie [about Jake]: I'm ready. Myra's ready. Is he ready?
Alan: Does he look ready?
Charlie: Well, he's not wearing any pants. That's ready for something

Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.

Alan: (Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit) Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: (referring to his French one night stand) Alan, I just took the Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Alan: Where are we going?
Charlie: We are going to talk some sense into our mother.
Alan: Really? It's hard to imagine that turning out well

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.