Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

See, this is why communication is important in a relationship. Two minutes ago, I did not care if you lived or died, but right now..? I love you as no man as ever loved a woman.

Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do

Alan: Charlie.
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: I think I might be gay.
Charlie: What did you do, Alan?
Alan: Nothing, but I'm starting to put the pieces together.
Charlie: Which piece did you put where, Alan?

Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.

Isabella: People like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan: Hmmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have been historically victims and food

Berta: Oh crap.
Alan: What?
Berta: Just a little disappointed. I saw Chelsea's car in the driveway and didn't see yours.

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.

Plato and Aristotle said that no matter how many times you shaked it, the last drop always falls in the pants

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie