Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it.

Jake: She was showing me her tattoos.
Alan: Lucky you. There was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that. Now it's right at your breakfast table

Charlie: Did I hear Numbnuts come in?
Alan: "Numbnuts?"
Charlie: Oh, sorry. Numbnuts Junior.

Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway

Alan: You'll have to back off a half step, there's no groin contact in ball room dancing.
Charlie: Huh, I wonder if that's why they call it ball... room.

Charlie: Berta's in my bed.
Alan: Really? Couldn't you just pay her in cash this week?

Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Wait till he tries on the underwear I bought for him.

Charlie: Chelsea and I had a fight.
Alan: I'm sorry to hear that, did you want to talk about?
Charlie: I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.
Alan: Wait, if you and Chelsea had a fight, why do I have to sleep on the couch?
Charlie: You ever hear of crap rolling uphill?

Alan [about the funeral]: Jake, you're coming with us.
Jake: I don't wanna!
Charlie: Are you sure? You get to see a real dead guy.
Jake: There's gonna be a dead guy? Where?
Alan: ... At the funeral.
Jake: Oh, cool! Can I come

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.