Popular Alan Harper Quotes
Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.
Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.
Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.
Godspeed, Sam Wilson.
Charlie: What time?
Alan: No, degrees
Jake: About what?
Alan: I need a current picture in case you go missing.
Charlie: Alan, you're being ridiculous, they never find those kids.
Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.
Alan: If Mom's ever in a coma you're the one who has to decide whether to pull the plug.
Charlie [drunkenly]: You know what I like? Those big pink things with coconut.
Jake: Sno Balls?
Charlie: Yeah. Can you still get those?
Jake: Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven.
Charlie: Thank you... Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
Alan: No, we're trying to study.
Charlie: Okay. I'll pretend like I'm not even here
Alan: It's always good to have a choice of dips.
Lyndsey: And I chose you.
Judith: Oh, come on, Charlie. You know there was always sexual tension between us.
Charlie: Really? I thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: I saw you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my ex-wife's chest??
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy