Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Breakfast of champions, Type 2 diabetes division

Judith and I had to get married at the Sportsmen's Lodge in November on the first Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Alan: It's always good to have a choice of dips.
Lyndsey: And I chose you.
Alan: Zing.

Charlie: I'd never cone on to another guy's fiancee.
Alan: First of all, we don't know he was coming on to Chelsea and secondly I've seen you hit on a bride as she walked down the aisle.
Charlie: It was a joke. I asked her what she was doing later, everyone laughed.

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.

Charlie: She works for me.
Alan: Well then, tell her when something is on the shopping list, she should shop for it.
Berta: I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Alan: It's very simple. I've decided that I'm going to start drinking acidopholus milk. It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. For three weeks I've been writing it on the shopping list. Yet, Berta insists on bringing home 2%.
Charlie: Slug him.

Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet

Alan: Hey, how's the intensines?
Charlie: Clean as a whistle... it's the city's problem now

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.