Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax

How long do you think you can keep up this Prince and Pauper charade...?

Alan: So, how's school?
Jake: Okay.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh. Okay, go ahead.

Alan: I have to go to the bathroom
Charlie: You should have peed when made that left turn like I did

Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.

Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.