Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway

Lindsay: I got a little surprise for you.
Alan: I got what I'm told is a perfectly adequate surprise for you.

Lenore: Fred hasn't touched me in over fourteen years
Alan: In his defense, he did have that stroke

Alan: I... I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail

Jake: I started algebra.
Alan: Oh, really? How do you like it?
Jake: Eh, I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Yeah, she's got some really great racks.
Alan: Um, don't you mean "rack"?
Jake: No, she's got two, and they're ginormous!

Herb: Truth is, I kind of like the instruction—takes out all the guess work.
Alan: Sure.
Herb: I tend to meander when I don't have game plan.
Alan: Yeah, well that's never a problem with Judith. She's the Vince Lombardi of sexual intercourse.
Herb: She did teach me to play through the pain.
Alan: Yeah. "Tape it up and get back in there!"

You're young, you're rich, you got a face that gives women an erection.

Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.