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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

Charlie: Did I hear Numbnuts come in?
Alan: "Numbnuts?"
Charlie: Oh, sorry. Numbnuts Junior.

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.

Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in

Charlie: By the way, did you have the talk with him?
Alan: Well sure, I mean, well we've had a talk, you know, covered the basics. He knows where babies come from and how they got there.
Charlie: That's all? He's going to this party completely clueless about how much fun he can have between "Hi, how are you" and "What do you mean you missed your period.

Sandy: Who has room for another eclair?
Alan: Not unless I unbutton my pants.
Charlie: My pants are already unbuttoned.
Jake: I took mine off when she brought the marshmallow yams

Alan: I happen to believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree: childhood should be a time of innocence, and Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in

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