Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig

Charlie: So, drinking in the dark, eh?
Alan: Wasn't dark when I started

Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour

Charlie: What? Really? I just can´t believe it.
Alan: What is it? What happened?
Charlie: Mom just turned down Teddy.
Alan: That bitch

Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.

Alan: Don't you dare feel sorry for me. This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine, and if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegiate partnership.
Charlie: You poor, poor bastard.

Alan: And what are you afraid of?
Charlie: Let's see: large birds, small bugs, unplanned pregnancy, and your ex-wife living in my house

Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.