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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Charlie: Great, why don't I just shoot myself?
Alan: Can't afford a gun

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!

Doctor: You're a doctor?
Alan: I'm a chiropractor.
Doctor: Then... no

Alan: I... I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail

Alan: Then we went skinny dipping. Who's idea was that?
Berta: Mine.

Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Alan: What about her tattoo of you on her left butt cheek?
Charlie: I wish she hadn't done that. After she takes a hot bath I start to look like Edward James Olmos.

Alan: Iced tea?
Charlie: I decided when you try to mail your pants to a garment inspector in Malaysia, it's time to quit drinking.
Alan: Some might have said that day come and went when you gave yourself that haircut.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

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