Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!
Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through, we didn't have a dog.
Alan: What?
Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch... I made ya lunch!

Alan: How do you sleep at night?
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody

Alan: How does it feel to be dating a woman whose IQ is the same as her age?
Charlie: I could ask you the same thing

Alan: Oh, hey, how was Santa Barbara?
Jake: Santa Barbra? It's Spanish for "city of great racks."

Alan: My ex-wife tried to seduce me.
Lyndsey: Judith flirted with you?
Alan: Oh God no!!
Lyndsey: The beautiful one?

Alan: Where are we going?
Charlie: We are going to talk some sense into our mother.
Alan: Really? It's hard to imagine that turning out well

Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.

Alan: Charlie, let's go. This woman is clearly a lunatic.
Charlie: Yeah, but look at the passion, the fire... the ass!

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

x Close Ad