Alan Harper Quotes
Season 9, Episode 13: "A Possum on Chemo"
Alan: When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 12: "Slowly and in a Circular Fashion"
Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?
• Rating: Unrated
Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 9: "A Fishbowl Full Of Glass Eyes"
Alan: I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 9, Episode 8: "Frodo's Headshots"
Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Alan: Oh thank god I'm still in a looney bin.
Gary Busey: It's a stress clinic.
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
Alan: I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
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Total Quotes: 656
