The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular Barney Gumble Quotes
Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.
The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!
Moe: (Reads his valentine) "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
Barney: Yoo Hooooo!
Moe: Oh God, no!
(Barney blows a kiss and belches)
Moe: You'll be back!!! And you, And you (to Barney). And you.
Barney: Of course I'll be back, if you didn't close I'd never leave!
Moe: C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy.
Barney: But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of --
Moe: Pipe down, rub-a-dub!
Moe: I brought you a little present. (Gives Homer a can of beer)
Homer: No. Beer bring pain.
Barney: I can't stand to see him like this. (Shoves a pillow in Homer's face. He than lifts up a water fountain, throws it at a window, jumps out and runs away)
Moe: He really needs a girlfriend.
Barney: (whacking invisible snakes) Snakes! Snakes everywhere!
Lenny: You gettin' ready for Whacking Day?
Barney: What's Whacking Day?
Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?
Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: Here you go!
(Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio)
Homer, Apu, Skinner: (singing off-key) For all the latest medical poop,
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.
Poo poo pa-doop...
Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
(Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder)
Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!
(On the recorder)
Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches)
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink!
Homer: Moe, I need your advice... See I've got this friend named Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
Guy: (Runs out of the bar, crying)
Barney: Aye! Joey Joe Joe!
