Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

Barney [looking at Robin's travel photos]: Whoa. Are you topless? Ted, check this out.
Ted: Seen 'em.

We are going to an after-hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up?

Ted: Oh my God! I have a tattoo!
Barney: That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.
Ted: Tramp stamp?
Barney: You know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate

Barney: What's up? Oh, and BTW, I am never speaking to Ted again.
Lily: Really? Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

Barney: What are you doing? They know us here! You're gonna get us in trouble!
Amy: Tell me something, do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in the crotch for your huge vagina?
Barney: I... your vagina

Ted: I don't go to your country and try to seduce women with my sexy accent.
Barney: Of course not, Persian nightclub owner

Gael: Gael.
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
Gael: Gael.
Barney: ...Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall: ...Girl?
Robin: It's pronounced Guy-el.
Gael: It means joyful. That is why I live my life joyfully, and give to others. Especially those less fortunate than I.
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

Barney: It's not possible! You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board!
Lily: How do you know?
Barney: Glad you asked, Lily. I have crafted a list of all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which / on which it is possible to have sex. Of these 33, I have had sex in / on 31. Windsurfing board: not on the list. Oh, PS in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
Lily: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.
Barney: This conversation never happened.

Barney: Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?

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